So I've thought about your comments a lot over the past couple of weeks along with my own thoughts, and I felt I should write what I've come up with and then to respond to each of you individually. This would have been done sooner, but I JUST got my internet back up and running today after my very long moving period.
My Thoughts
Obviously I still want to date, and that is probably always going to be there when I'm not dating, but I know from my own personal experience that I can't date non-members. I'm the type of person that puts my all into the person I'm dating, and by doing so, I fall for that person which could possibly lead me away from the things that really are important to me. However, there is nothing wrong with hanging out with non-members, even in a one-on-one setting.
I have also gotten the strong impression... again... that I need to just be patient and wait. I know what I'm waiting on, and I think I'm starting to learn more of what I need to do before that can happen. It's going to take time, and it's going to be hard. BUT - that's where I have to let others in, and allow them to help me where I need help. It's true; I'm stubborn, and it's hard for me sometimes to just let others help.
Caryn
I've thought a lot about that lesson as it's something that I've really wanted to change more in my life. My faith is what has gotten me through all these years, and especially the last two years that I've been in Texas. If it wasn't for my faith, I would have fallen and probably a lot worse off than what I am during the down parts of my days. As for my patriarchal blessing, it is read often along with the blessings I've been given through the years. They give me hope - more often than not, but certainly can leave me with questions. I'm the type of person that wants to be the best I can at everything I do. OCD and perfectionist are two things that can cause a lot of pain, but yet, can be very good. But don't worry, I'm going to keep trying! I know if I don't, you'll have my butt. :-)
Heidi
Service is certainly not something I have a problem doing as I am always out there helping other people. That's something I love to do, and will always put first. The biggest thing I need to do out of what you said is "stop thinking about it."
Emily
I love you too, and I have no doubt that I will laugh about some of these posts in the future. Actually, I already laugh at the things that bother me from day to day. I tend to wonder why I even cared so much about something - after the fact of course. Kristen Oaks is an amazing woman, and she did wait for many years till the opportunity was right for her to have her greatest desire. Her and Sheri Dew are two women I look up to with much awe and amazement.
Marsha
I can teach and help everyone around me, but when it comes to me, I have the hardest time. And it's sad because I do truly believe and want everything I say to others. The wait for marriage is actually the easy part... it's the wanting to date, but not having that opportunity, that's hard. And I hope that I will have the opportunity to plant many seeds and be that person to help someone find something so much greater through the gospel of Jesus Christ through my example. It is my greatest gift to give to anyone as it was the greatest gift that I received in this life!
Autumn
Thank you! It is hard, but I have often thought about how hard it would be to raise children in a home without those common teaches and beliefs. I, too, am glad that Tyson accepted the gospel and you are able to have your forever family!! The time I was in Lufkin, I saw the change in your family and the light just grow!
Mary
How right you are when you say that my life is happening right now?!? Often times I step back and wonder how I've even made it through the week or even just through some days. Life is happening, and it is happening fast! And I could never settle for anything less than a temple marriage! I really couldn't! To think about spending my life with someone, for it to end at death makes me wonder why people even bother. If I love someone enough to spend this life with them, I want it to be forever!!
Kayla
Thank you for your support! It is hard watching those around you get married as you just chill there by yourself. It gets hard at times to think of all my friends getting married and having babies. At times I wonder what I'm doing wrong, but you are right, this just may be my "jail time" and I'm being refined. The Lord knows who I need to be and where I need to be in my life so that I will be as ready as I can be to not only have that amazing temple marriage to my amazing eternal companion, but to be ready to raise His sons and daughters to do all that they need to do.
THANK YOU!! I say that to everyone one of you as I have watched you all, even if you never knew I was watching. You each have qualities and characteristics that I admire and want to apply in my life. Because of each one of you, I really do want to be a better person! So thank you for being that example to me, and for being a friend to me... even when I'm being dumb.
I want to close this blog with a quote from the December Visiting Teaching message. One of my Visiting Teachers gave me this part of the quote that I now keep in my scriptures to remember, and I think it's just fitting.
"... With the hope of the Atonement and the Resurrection, you have a third great hope, the hope of eternal life... Because you have a Savior, you also believe in a happy, eternal life of creating, serving, and learning. You are already in the strait and narrow path, and there is hope smiling brightly before you... You just need to stay in, pressing forward with a brightness of hope."
- Julie B. Beck, Relief Society General President
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
I'm Stuck
Okay, so I could really use some input. It doesn't have to be on here, but some kind of input would be great. I know that most of those who read my blogs are Latter-day Saints which is my basis for this.
So, I'm a Latter-day Saint Young Single Adult (LDS YSA); I'm even qualified as a Mid-Single now since I'm 25 (26 in 3 months). Living in Nacogdoches, this is really hard in the dating part of life. I want to date; I want to get to know others. Yet, I've pretty much gone on a date with every single guy here who's LDS. Now I'm to the point that I'm looking at those who not have the same faith as I (even though that doesn't always mean much) and it scares me.
What scares me, you ask? The fact that I'll fall in love with someone one day who doesn't have the same faith as myself, and I maybe never have the temple marriage I want. Yes, that is looking into the future a lot, but at the same time, you date who you marry. So do I risk having those future things happening to at least date and have those experiences, or do I not date and just sit at home? I've never dated a lot, and so it's not really something I know. Do I "flirt to convert" or just hope a strong member comes along that will treat me how I should be treated?
Why does it seem that the guys that treat me the best are non-members? No, they may not have all the same standards as I do being LDS, but I can promise you that they care more about me and what's happening in my life than most members that I've dated. I can be myself more with them, and maybe that seems like I'm not holding all the standards I should, but I do.
What are your thoughts? As I am right now, I'm almost to the point that I'm just going to be career focused completely, and if I'm still single by 35, giving up on having kids and having it all removed. I mean, I'm sure I'll change my mind on down the road or whatever, but right now, it almost feels impossible to ever find a member who I could date and maybe have a future with. The ones that I like (but no one ever knows) either move away or I leave before we ever have a chance to date, even though we both know that there is interest.
I know some of what I want, but I also know that I want to share this life with someone.
So, I'm a Latter-day Saint Young Single Adult (LDS YSA); I'm even qualified as a Mid-Single now since I'm 25 (26 in 3 months). Living in Nacogdoches, this is really hard in the dating part of life. I want to date; I want to get to know others. Yet, I've pretty much gone on a date with every single guy here who's LDS. Now I'm to the point that I'm looking at those who not have the same faith as I (even though that doesn't always mean much) and it scares me.
What scares me, you ask? The fact that I'll fall in love with someone one day who doesn't have the same faith as myself, and I maybe never have the temple marriage I want. Yes, that is looking into the future a lot, but at the same time, you date who you marry. So do I risk having those future things happening to at least date and have those experiences, or do I not date and just sit at home? I've never dated a lot, and so it's not really something I know. Do I "flirt to convert" or just hope a strong member comes along that will treat me how I should be treated?
Why does it seem that the guys that treat me the best are non-members? No, they may not have all the same standards as I do being LDS, but I can promise you that they care more about me and what's happening in my life than most members that I've dated. I can be myself more with them, and maybe that seems like I'm not holding all the standards I should, but I do.
What are your thoughts? As I am right now, I'm almost to the point that I'm just going to be career focused completely, and if I'm still single by 35, giving up on having kids and having it all removed. I mean, I'm sure I'll change my mind on down the road or whatever, but right now, it almost feels impossible to ever find a member who I could date and maybe have a future with. The ones that I like (but no one ever knows) either move away or I leave before we ever have a chance to date, even though we both know that there is interest.
I know some of what I want, but I also know that I want to share this life with someone.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
ABC's of Life
A--attached or single: I am quite single at the moment if you are looking at relationship/dating part of my life; however, I am attached to my family and my dog.
B--Best Friends: I really don't have a best friend.
C--cake or pie: I love pies, but I also love Red Velvet Cake or Cheesecake! Yum!
D--day of choice: Sunday
E--Essential item: CTR Ring
F--favorite color: White
G--Gummi Bears or Worms: Sour Gummi Worms
H--Hometown: Born in Lufkin, TX, lived in Diboll, TX for 8 years, lived in Waycross, GA for 9 years, lived in Lufkin, TX for 4 years, Salt Lake City, UT for 2 1/2 years, Lufkin,TX again for a year, and now, Nacogdoches, TX for almost a year.
I--Indulgence: Fanta Strawberry or Annie's Mac & Cheese
J--January or July: Both are good months
K--Kids: One day
L--life is incomplete without: a purpose and goal
M--Marriage Date: hasn't happened yet
N--Number of Siblings: one younger brother
O--Oranges or Apples: I just love fruit period!
P--Phobias or Fears: I fear never being good enough.
Q--Quote: “Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”-Samuel Johnson
R--Reason to smile: I'm alive with clothes on my back, food in my stomach (even if it's not the best), a roof over my head, and a way to better myself through education, work, and especially the gospel of Jesus Christ.
S--Season: I love the Fall with the colors changing, but the Spring is probably my favorite.
T--Tag--you're it :-)
U--unknown fact about ME: I don't like to cry or ever really show personal feelings around a group of people.
V--Vegetarian or Meat eater: More so vegetarian as I don't eat much meat, and when I do, it's mainly chicken.
W--Worst Habit: Never saying no.
X--xrays or ultrasounds--I prefer x-rays over ultrasounds as I don't really like people pressing on my bladder after you just made me drink a ton of water. Just isn't nice. :-) But I've had both for so many different things, so anything that helps make me better - I'm all for it.
Y--Your favorite food: I love Mexican/Tex-Mex, Sushi, and pretty much anything with chicken. My favorite meal is what we always had growing up, especially when we were going to have a babysitter... chicken nuggets, mac & cheese, and corn.
Z--Zodiac: Aries... yes, I'm stubborn like a ram.
B--Best Friends: I really don't have a best friend.
C--cake or pie: I love pies, but I also love Red Velvet Cake or Cheesecake! Yum!
D--day of choice: Sunday
E--Essential item: CTR Ring
F--favorite color: White
G--Gummi Bears or Worms: Sour Gummi Worms
H--Hometown: Born in Lufkin, TX, lived in Diboll, TX for 8 years, lived in Waycross, GA for 9 years, lived in Lufkin, TX for 4 years, Salt Lake City, UT for 2 1/2 years, Lufkin,TX again for a year, and now, Nacogdoches, TX for almost a year.
I--Indulgence: Fanta Strawberry or Annie's Mac & Cheese
J--January or July: Both are good months
K--Kids: One day
L--life is incomplete without: a purpose and goal
M--Marriage Date: hasn't happened yet
N--Number of Siblings: one younger brother
O--Oranges or Apples: I just love fruit period!
P--Phobias or Fears: I fear never being good enough.
Q--Quote: “Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”-Samuel Johnson
R--Reason to smile: I'm alive with clothes on my back, food in my stomach (even if it's not the best), a roof over my head, and a way to better myself through education, work, and especially the gospel of Jesus Christ.
S--Season: I love the Fall with the colors changing, but the Spring is probably my favorite.
T--Tag--you're it :-)
U--unknown fact about ME: I don't like to cry or ever really show personal feelings around a group of people.
V--Vegetarian or Meat eater: More so vegetarian as I don't eat much meat, and when I do, it's mainly chicken.
W--Worst Habit: Never saying no.
X--xrays or ultrasounds--I prefer x-rays over ultrasounds as I don't really like people pressing on my bladder after you just made me drink a ton of water. Just isn't nice. :-) But I've had both for so many different things, so anything that helps make me better - I'm all for it.
Y--Your favorite food: I love Mexican/Tex-Mex, Sushi, and pretty much anything with chicken. My favorite meal is what we always had growing up, especially when we were going to have a babysitter... chicken nuggets, mac & cheese, and corn.
Z--Zodiac: Aries... yes, I'm stubborn like a ram.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Are You Ever Going to Love Me by Chris Cagle
Tell me what else can I do
Tell me what else can I say
The closer that I get to you
The further you push me away
Til I don't know where to go
And I don't know why I stay
Do you even care
Or am I some little game you play
Are you ever gonna need me baby
Like I need you
Are you ever gonna want me baby
The way I want you too
I know that you love me
Oh baby down deep inside I know that you do
But are you ever gonna love me
The way that I love you
I never know how you feel
Cause baby I can't read your mind
Do i just keep waiting, or am i just wasting time
Are you ever gonna need me
Like I need you
Are you ever gonna want me baby
The way I want you to
I know that you love me
Oh baby down deep i know that you do
But are you ever gonna love me baby
Are you ever gonna love me baby
The way I love you
**I really like this song a lot because it seems to fit how I feel. I keep wondering where I really fit with you. You showed that you never wanted to let me go, and that you want me there. You've shown that to me for 5 years. Even some of the things you said were you wanting me there. So if you want me there, why do I feel like I'm just there when it is convient for you. Why do I feel like I really am just a "booty call" when you say that I've never been that to you?
I know you love me, but will it ever be what I deserve and want. Will I ever be important enough to you again for you to show you want me there every day instead of for a few hours every couple of months to years? Maybe it is me, but maybe it's you. I don't know, but until I know, I will always wonder if you'll ever love me the way I love you.
Tell me what else can I say
The closer that I get to you
The further you push me away
Til I don't know where to go
And I don't know why I stay
Do you even care
Or am I some little game you play
Are you ever gonna need me baby
Like I need you
Are you ever gonna want me baby
The way I want you too
I know that you love me
Oh baby down deep inside I know that you do
But are you ever gonna love me
The way that I love you
I never know how you feel
Cause baby I can't read your mind
Do i just keep waiting, or am i just wasting time
Are you ever gonna need me
Like I need you
Are you ever gonna want me baby
The way I want you to
I know that you love me
Oh baby down deep i know that you do
But are you ever gonna love me baby
Are you ever gonna love me baby
The way I love you
**I really like this song a lot because it seems to fit how I feel. I keep wondering where I really fit with you. You showed that you never wanted to let me go, and that you want me there. You've shown that to me for 5 years. Even some of the things you said were you wanting me there. So if you want me there, why do I feel like I'm just there when it is convient for you. Why do I feel like I really am just a "booty call" when you say that I've never been that to you?
I know you love me, but will it ever be what I deserve and want. Will I ever be important enough to you again for you to show you want me there every day instead of for a few hours every couple of months to years? Maybe it is me, but maybe it's you. I don't know, but until I know, I will always wonder if you'll ever love me the way I love you.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Things That Make Me Happy
This is certainly not in any order, but these pictures are just some things that make me happy.
Fun YSA evenings. The times when you can be goofy, and nothing matters. (2008)
Dances, road trips, and all kinds of fun. This was at a hoe-down in San Antonio in 2007.
Amanda Spillman... so many things make me happy with her!! She's a great friend! (2008)
Emily Field and I became great friends at work, and it just developed. It's fabulous! (2007)
This crew... South City Institute in Utah. You just never knew what would happen when we were together! (July 2008)
Sara Moulton and I didn't get along when we first met each other, and now, we are great friends! I love this girl!! (July 2008)
Beautiful views and just nature (Top of Ensign Peak, July 2008)
Camille and I spent a lot of wonderful days and nights together in Utah. She's a wonderful person who has just always understood me, and accepted me. (July 2008, Jordan River Temple)
Butter Pecan Ice Cream, Leatherby's, and all the memories there. (July 2008)
These beautiful young ladies are amazing! I crashed at their apartment often my first year at Westminster College. (October 2005)
These kids are fabulous! I love their two younger siblings as well. Their parents are like my sister and brother! So many WONDERFUL things there! Val and Sable have grown up so much, and I just love seeing them!! (December 2004)
TEMPLES!!! It's my ALL time favorite place to be, and where I seem to be the happiest! I love the Houston Temple for so many reasons!!
Kaitlin is an amazing friend! She has a wonderful spirit, and I'm glad that we are buddies! (2008)
My baby girl Lexie! She's 2+ years old, and is so much fun along with being a pain. haha
Abby and Jen - man, we did some crazy stuff together, and have a lot of wonderful memories! I miss hanging out with them when the days just seemed to be a little easier. (2004)
Horses! They are beautiful, and so much fun to ride! I actually fell off this horse. (2004)
This was after an Institute graduation for Westminster Institute. These gals are AMAZING!
Lufkin Ward - That's all I have to say!! (2004)
Friends from Georgia. Although I'm not really close to many of them anymore, they do still hold a place in my heart with great memories attached. (2003)
AC Buddies, trip to Memphis, Britt, Jared... all hold a very dear place in my heart! So many memories, dreams, hopes, wishes, and anything else! (2003)
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Lexie was only two months old in this picture. I spent the day with my family, and went on a date that night. Wonderful times! (2006)
Some of my cousins and my brother with my Grandpa Dillow (who passed away this year) having a late Christmas together. I enjoy seeing them, even if we aren't very close. (2006)
AC Pom Squad... dancing... cheering - I love it all! These girls were good friends. (2003)
Most of my mom's side of the family minus two of her brother's and their family. (2004)
Fun YSA evenings. The times when you can be goofy, and nothing matters. (2008)
Dances, road trips, and all kinds of fun. This was at a hoe-down in San Antonio in 2007.
Amanda Spillman... so many things make me happy with her!! She's a great friend! (2008)
Emily Field and I became great friends at work, and it just developed. It's fabulous! (2007)
This crew... South City Institute in Utah. You just never knew what would happen when we were together! (July 2008)
Sara Moulton and I didn't get along when we first met each other, and now, we are great friends! I love this girl!! (July 2008)
Beautiful views and just nature (Top of Ensign Peak, July 2008)
Camille and I spent a lot of wonderful days and nights together in Utah. She's a wonderful person who has just always understood me, and accepted me. (July 2008, Jordan River Temple)
Butter Pecan Ice Cream, Leatherby's, and all the memories there. (July 2008)
These beautiful young ladies are amazing! I crashed at their apartment often my first year at Westminster College. (October 2005)
These kids are fabulous! I love their two younger siblings as well. Their parents are like my sister and brother! So many WONDERFUL things there! Val and Sable have grown up so much, and I just love seeing them!! (December 2004)
TEMPLES!!! It's my ALL time favorite place to be, and where I seem to be the happiest! I love the Houston Temple for so many reasons!!
Kaitlin is an amazing friend! She has a wonderful spirit, and I'm glad that we are buddies! (2008)
My baby girl Lexie! She's 2+ years old, and is so much fun along with being a pain. haha
Abby and Jen - man, we did some crazy stuff together, and have a lot of wonderful memories! I miss hanging out with them when the days just seemed to be a little easier. (2004)
Horses! They are beautiful, and so much fun to ride! I actually fell off this horse. (2004)
This was after an Institute graduation for Westminster Institute. These gals are AMAZING!
Lufkin Ward - That's all I have to say!! (2004)
Friends from Georgia. Although I'm not really close to many of them anymore, they do still hold a place in my heart with great memories attached. (2003)
AC Buddies, trip to Memphis, Britt, Jared... all hold a very dear place in my heart! So many memories, dreams, hopes, wishes, and anything else! (2003).jpg)
Lexie was only two months old in this picture. I spent the day with my family, and went on a date that night. Wonderful times! (2006)
Some of my cousins and my brother with my Grandpa Dillow (who passed away this year) having a late Christmas together. I enjoy seeing them, even if we aren't very close. (2006)
AC Pom Squad... dancing... cheering - I love it all! These girls were good friends. (2003)
Most of my mom's side of the family minus two of her brother's and their family. (2004) Monday, December 1, 2008
Giving Up
I know some will read this, and worry. Others will read it, and think then not care. Some may just not care at all. Either way, it really doesn't matter to me. I'm not writing this for everyone else as I never started this blog so much for everyone else. It's my way of getting things out, and if someone cares to read, then that's fine with me.
The past little while I have really been wanting to just give up. On what... EVERYTHING. It's a hassle to get up in the mornings as I never want to get up. I keep hoping for a break, a day off from life, and it just never comes. It is always one thing after the other. I know it is wrong of me to want a break, but right now, my body is just on overload. I'm going through all the motions, yet I don't seem to really enjoy them too much. I wear a mask almost 24/7, and I hate that. I want to be me, but I guess I'm not 100% sure of who "me" is.
Have you ever wanted to just stop something that you know you shouldn't stop or to just see if anyone would really care? Well... part of me is certainly going through those feelings right now, but also, I always thought that I would find happiness being LDS. Yet, I look back over the years, and it seems like I hurt more often than not. Maybe it's because I expect so much out of myself, and I know others do the same. Maybe it's just because I'm having a hard time in a family ward as a YSA. I'm really not sure what all is happening, but I don't like it. Sundays are some of the hardest days for me, and yet, they used to be my favorite days of the weeks. It is always filled and never a day of rest. So many times I just don't want to show up, but how can you do that when you are teaching every Sunday, usually conducting the music, leading YSA FHE, and doing anything else you are asked to do. I can't ever not go. Yet, I really don't have anyone I can turn to that I feel safe with... that one person who I know would just hold me and let me cry if needed. I want to feel how I felt on November 7th again!!! I was happy, truly happy! I felt safe!
But for now, I just feel like giving up, but how can you give up when you also can't handle letting others down. My life is so busy that I would let too many people down if I just gave up. BUT - how do I take care of me? What can I do for me to make things happier? Until I figure out, I guess I will just keep wearing that mask.
The past little while I have really been wanting to just give up. On what... EVERYTHING. It's a hassle to get up in the mornings as I never want to get up. I keep hoping for a break, a day off from life, and it just never comes. It is always one thing after the other. I know it is wrong of me to want a break, but right now, my body is just on overload. I'm going through all the motions, yet I don't seem to really enjoy them too much. I wear a mask almost 24/7, and I hate that. I want to be me, but I guess I'm not 100% sure of who "me" is.
Have you ever wanted to just stop something that you know you shouldn't stop or to just see if anyone would really care? Well... part of me is certainly going through those feelings right now, but also, I always thought that I would find happiness being LDS. Yet, I look back over the years, and it seems like I hurt more often than not. Maybe it's because I expect so much out of myself, and I know others do the same. Maybe it's just because I'm having a hard time in a family ward as a YSA. I'm really not sure what all is happening, but I don't like it. Sundays are some of the hardest days for me, and yet, they used to be my favorite days of the weeks. It is always filled and never a day of rest. So many times I just don't want to show up, but how can you do that when you are teaching every Sunday, usually conducting the music, leading YSA FHE, and doing anything else you are asked to do. I can't ever not go. Yet, I really don't have anyone I can turn to that I feel safe with... that one person who I know would just hold me and let me cry if needed. I want to feel how I felt on November 7th again!!! I was happy, truly happy! I felt safe!
But for now, I just feel like giving up, but how can you give up when you also can't handle letting others down. My life is so busy that I would let too many people down if I just gave up. BUT - how do I take care of me? What can I do for me to make things happier? Until I figure out, I guess I will just keep wearing that mask.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Once it's going good...
Have you ever noticed that when life seems to be going good for you, and that you are actually accepting where you are that in just a moment, you are knocked down? Well... if you haven't had that, then lucky you!!
I seem to have that a lot, but usually over the same thing (darn satan knowing what my greatest desires are). Just this week, and especially tonight, it hit me hard again. I was beginning to accept and be okay with where I am in my life. No, it's not great, but I was accepting it. Being 25 2/3 and single isn't all that bad until you realize that someone who is 16 is getting married. Then you talk to a friend, and she's like it's okay, I've been a bridesmaid two times, and the way it goes, bridesmaid three times, always a bridesmaid. Well... I've been one at least 5 times. So that didn't make me feel any better, even if I know that's not really the case.
Right now, it just doesn't seem like that's ever going to be a part of me... that my greatest desires are not for this life. I don't like feeling that way!! I don't like it at all!! It makes me think that I'm doing something wrong, and yet, I'm not sure what that is.
Like my last post, I don't know what I'm supposed to do or where I'm supposed to be. I just know that I'm tired of feeling this way, I'm tired of coming home to be alone, I'm tired of feeling like I don't fit... I'm just tired!
Once it's going good... it just all seems to fall.
I seem to have that a lot, but usually over the same thing (darn satan knowing what my greatest desires are). Just this week, and especially tonight, it hit me hard again. I was beginning to accept and be okay with where I am in my life. No, it's not great, but I was accepting it. Being 25 2/3 and single isn't all that bad until you realize that someone who is 16 is getting married. Then you talk to a friend, and she's like it's okay, I've been a bridesmaid two times, and the way it goes, bridesmaid three times, always a bridesmaid. Well... I've been one at least 5 times. So that didn't make me feel any better, even if I know that's not really the case.
Right now, it just doesn't seem like that's ever going to be a part of me... that my greatest desires are not for this life. I don't like feeling that way!! I don't like it at all!! It makes me think that I'm doing something wrong, and yet, I'm not sure what that is.
Like my last post, I don't know what I'm supposed to do or where I'm supposed to be. I just know that I'm tired of feeling this way, I'm tired of coming home to be alone, I'm tired of feeling like I don't fit... I'm just tired!
Once it's going good... it just all seems to fall.
Monday, November 24, 2008
What is MY Mission?!
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately on trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life, what my purpose in this life really is. I have to admit that it's stressing me out a bit, and I really don't know what direction to look. There are so many things that I want to do, and things that I'm passionate about; however, I don't know what's right or wrong.
You know how some jobs/careers just fit people, and you just know that's exactly what they are supposed to be doing... I want that! I want to find my niche, and know that it is something that I can do to better those around me. What do people see when they see me? What do they see me doing with my life?
Patience... something I'm trying to have, and something I struggle with a lot -- when it comes to me. If it deals with others, I am able to be more patient; however, so many things are in question right now. Maybe it's what I need to have more of now at this moment in my life; maybe it's still a learning period for me at this time in my life. If that's the case, it's getting really hard.
I just started another book called "Single, Yet Not Alone" and it's really good. One thing that was pointed out that I feel often is that I do a lot alone. YES... I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there for me without a doubt. However, they aren't going to answer all of my questions, give me a sound board all the time, or help me decide just the basics of the day. Some of those things we decide just as mortals with the knowledge we already have... but it would be nice to have someone to make them with. It would just be nice to have someone there to enjoy things with or to have them just laugh at me when I'm being dumb about whatever it might be.
What am I supposed to do? Where do I fit?
You know how some jobs/careers just fit people, and you just know that's exactly what they are supposed to be doing... I want that! I want to find my niche, and know that it is something that I can do to better those around me. What do people see when they see me? What do they see me doing with my life?
Patience... something I'm trying to have, and something I struggle with a lot -- when it comes to me. If it deals with others, I am able to be more patient; however, so many things are in question right now. Maybe it's what I need to have more of now at this moment in my life; maybe it's still a learning period for me at this time in my life. If that's the case, it's getting really hard.
I just started another book called "Single, Yet Not Alone" and it's really good. One thing that was pointed out that I feel often is that I do a lot alone. YES... I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there for me without a doubt. However, they aren't going to answer all of my questions, give me a sound board all the time, or help me decide just the basics of the day. Some of those things we decide just as mortals with the knowledge we already have... but it would be nice to have someone to make them with. It would just be nice to have someone there to enjoy things with or to have them just laugh at me when I'm being dumb about whatever it might be.
What am I supposed to do? Where do I fit?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Good Things Are Happening!!
So far this week has been a great week for me, and I felt like sharing! :-)
Sunday... It was a good day as I enjoy Church. I go for me, and that's the most important thing to me. I got to teach the 12-13 year olds, and they are fun. Such an interesting, but good group. We had FHE in Lufkin at the Robert's, and I loved it!! It was so good to see them again, and they showed a CES Fireside from 2006 when I was in Utah. Brought back great memories!!
Monday... I got another job!!! Yes, this makes three actual jobs, and four if you count babysitting on Thursdays for an hour... but to me, that's just play time!! I am going to be working for a friend and a professor as I qualify for workstudy. This does mean that I will probably be letting go of one job when Spring semester starts, but until then, I'm pushing through!
Tuesday... Today, if you will, was a fun day! I got up to register for my classes, and I have to say... what a headache!!! It's really hard when certain classes are only offered in certain semesters, and those happen to be the times you are hoping to not be around. Oy vey! BUT - I got it all figured out. I'm registered for 18 credits (just 1 more than I have now), and I'm excited. It will be a busy semester, but a productive one! After the Spring, I will have 10 classes left for my major, and 5 classes for my minor. This will go by quickly, and I'm excited. After all of that, I spent the day with my mom. We went to breakfast and lunch together, we went to donate blood (great day as it was the UT/TAMU challenge day), and then we looked at some apartments. I FOUND ONE!! :-) I'm applying tomorrow for University Club, and I don't see why I won't get in which will be nice! These apartments are actually the apartments my father lived in during his last two years at SFA. So kind of fun.
But yea - things are great!! I'm ready for Thanksgiving Break, but before that, I have a LOT of work to do!! So... off to bed I go for a long day tomorrow!! YAY!! :-D
Sunday... It was a good day as I enjoy Church. I go for me, and that's the most important thing to me. I got to teach the 12-13 year olds, and they are fun. Such an interesting, but good group. We had FHE in Lufkin at the Robert's, and I loved it!! It was so good to see them again, and they showed a CES Fireside from 2006 when I was in Utah. Brought back great memories!!
Monday... I got another job!!! Yes, this makes three actual jobs, and four if you count babysitting on Thursdays for an hour... but to me, that's just play time!! I am going to be working for a friend and a professor as I qualify for workstudy. This does mean that I will probably be letting go of one job when Spring semester starts, but until then, I'm pushing through!
Tuesday... Today, if you will, was a fun day! I got up to register for my classes, and I have to say... what a headache!!! It's really hard when certain classes are only offered in certain semesters, and those happen to be the times you are hoping to not be around. Oy vey! BUT - I got it all figured out. I'm registered for 18 credits (just 1 more than I have now), and I'm excited. It will be a busy semester, but a productive one! After the Spring, I will have 10 classes left for my major, and 5 classes for my minor. This will go by quickly, and I'm excited. After all of that, I spent the day with my mom. We went to breakfast and lunch together, we went to donate blood (great day as it was the UT/TAMU challenge day), and then we looked at some apartments. I FOUND ONE!! :-) I'm applying tomorrow for University Club, and I don't see why I won't get in which will be nice! These apartments are actually the apartments my father lived in during his last two years at SFA. So kind of fun.
But yea - things are great!! I'm ready for Thanksgiving Break, but before that, I have a LOT of work to do!! So... off to bed I go for a long day tomorrow!! YAY!! :-D
Monday, November 10, 2008
We Will Miss You, Aunt Mary Lou!!
As a note to this -- it's really hard to lose four family members in one year. I'm hoping that the year will end death free for my family. Mary Dalton was my Great Aunt, Nancy Dalton was my 2nd cousin who I remember looking up to when we were younger (she's around my mom's age), and Paul and Dera Dillow are my grandparents who died 62 days apart (how I miss them so VERY much!!). What a year!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funeral service for Mary Lou Dalton, 75 of Lawton will be at 11:00 a.m. on Friday, November 14, 2008 at Lawton Ritter Gray Funeral Home Chapel with Chuck Pettigrew, pastor of Liberty Heights Christian Church, officiating.
Burial will be at Highland Cemetery under the direction of Lawton Ritter Gray Funeral Home.
Mary Lou was born on January 3, 1933 in Lawton, Oklahoma to Fielding and Althea (Read) Hankins. She grew up in Lawton and graduated from Lawton High School in 1950. She attended Cameron College. She worked for Sears as a sales associate for 35 years, retiring in 1990. She moved to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma in 2006. She was a member of the Sears X-Club as a retiree from Sears and was active with the Women's Christian Fellowship. She was a member of the First Christian Church and the Hill Crest Christian Church in Oklahoma City. She was active with the election board, tallying ballots.
She is survived by her son, Russell Dalton, of Morehead City, North Carolina; her daughter and son in law, Leta and Bruce Schneider, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma; two brothers and sisters in law, Frank and Shirley Hankins, of Lawton and James and Sharon Hankins, of Wynnewood, Oklahoma; four grandchildren, John Schneider, Megan Schneider, Brinkley Marie Claxton, and Jade S. Johnson; her aunts, Betty Cole, Rosemary Crance and Margaret Lake; numerous nieces and nephews; and a host of cousins and other family members.
She was preceded in death by her parents, her daughter, Nancy Lynn Dalton; her sister and brother in law, Dera and Paul Dillow.
http://www.grayfuneral.com/CurrentObituary.aspx?did=7e4a5bcf-37ba-48a8-8bc0-718adb0ee8c1
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funeral service for Mary Lou Dalton, 75 of Lawton will be at 11:00 a.m. on Friday, November 14, 2008 at Lawton Ritter Gray Funeral Home Chapel with Chuck Pettigrew, pastor of Liberty Heights Christian Church, officiating.
Burial will be at Highland Cemetery under the direction of Lawton Ritter Gray Funeral Home.
Mary Lou was born on January 3, 1933 in Lawton, Oklahoma to Fielding and Althea (Read) Hankins. She grew up in Lawton and graduated from Lawton High School in 1950. She attended Cameron College. She worked for Sears as a sales associate for 35 years, retiring in 1990. She moved to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma in 2006. She was a member of the Sears X-Club as a retiree from Sears and was active with the Women's Christian Fellowship. She was a member of the First Christian Church and the Hill Crest Christian Church in Oklahoma City. She was active with the election board, tallying ballots.
She is survived by her son, Russell Dalton, of Morehead City, North Carolina; her daughter and son in law, Leta and Bruce Schneider, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma; two brothers and sisters in law, Frank and Shirley Hankins, of Lawton and James and Sharon Hankins, of Wynnewood, Oklahoma; four grandchildren, John Schneider, Megan Schneider, Brinkley Marie Claxton, and Jade S. Johnson; her aunts, Betty Cole, Rosemary Crance and Margaret Lake; numerous nieces and nephews; and a host of cousins and other family members.
She was preceded in death by her parents, her daughter, Nancy Lynn Dalton; her sister and brother in law, Dera and Paul Dillow.
http://www.grayfuneral.com/CurrentObituary.aspx?did=7e4a5bcf-37ba-48a8-8bc0-718adb0ee8c1
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Decisions, Decisions
I'm back in Nacogdoches, and once again, I really didn't want to come back. I know that this is home for me at the moment, but I never like coming back. Sad, huh?
The elevator in the Peabody, where the conference was held.
Jared and I before we went out Friday night. :-D
Michele and I on the Trolley.
I miss my dog, but at the same time, it's nice not having to really worry about her at the moment. My parents are watching her for tonight as I needed to come home and get some things done, i.e. homework. Not too much but uploading pictures and unpacking has happened. Now, I'm thinking that I'm going to go to bed really soon. I have to be at Church at 9:30am for choir practice for Ward Conference at 11am. Really now - too early! haha
Little Rock was great. Not much to do in the city as a tourist, but I enjoyed myself. It was a neat experience, and I got to see Jared. :-D YAY!! haha
Below are just some pictures from the past few days, so enjoy! I know I did/do! :-)
Kaitlin and I at the Arkansas Welcome Center.
Our hotel, Double Tree Hilton.
The Arkansas River - our view.
The elevator in the Peabody, where the conference was held.Flooring at the Clinton Library - We got to visit Thursday night, after hours.
Jared and I before we went out Friday night. :-DMichele and I on the Trolley.Old Stone Fort Museum - the original capital
Oh yea, you might wonder... what decisions?!? Well, there are several that I'm always trying to figure out, and right now, I'm just trying to find out what is best and waiting on someone else to decide. I know it needs to be what the Lord wants, and I feel in my heart it is. *sigh*
Friday, November 7, 2008
Little Rock
I'm here in Little Rock for the NCFR Conference, and it's going well. I haven't really attended a lot of sessions where I just sit and listen, but I have gotten some good information and have just enjoyed being away from home.
Today is the last day that we are really going to be doing anything with the Conference, even though there are still things happening tomorrow. We decided that we want to check out the city some before heading back to Nacogdoches. It's been nice to learn how things work so that next year, I'll know. PS - Next year it's going to be held in San Fransico!! :-D
Tonight is going to be a fun night as well! I'm seeing Jared, and I'm excited. I have no clue what we are going to do, but we are going to figure it out. We always do. haha So yea - good times! I miss my baby, Lexie (my dog), and I miss my family. However, it's always nice to get away when I have the chance.
Today is the last day that we are really going to be doing anything with the Conference, even though there are still things happening tomorrow. We decided that we want to check out the city some before heading back to Nacogdoches. It's been nice to learn how things work so that next year, I'll know. PS - Next year it's going to be held in San Fransico!! :-D
Tonight is going to be a fun night as well! I'm seeing Jared, and I'm excited. I have no clue what we are going to do, but we are going to figure it out. We always do. haha So yea - good times! I miss my baby, Lexie (my dog), and I miss my family. However, it's always nice to get away when I have the chance.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
A Single Voice by Kristen M. Oaks
Okay, so I'm reading this book that came out a couple months ago written by Kristen Oaks. First, let me just say that I love her! I have met her and have heard her speak... she is truly amazing!! When she came to speak to us at the Westminster Institute, she wasn't feeling very well so she brought along her husband, Elder Dallin H. Oaks. She informed us that if she couldn't make it through, that he would finish up for her. Afterwards, she made sure that everyone had an opportunity to shake his hand and meet him. I think she told me two or three times to go shake his hand. A wonderful spirit!!
With this book, it's about her life and the life of others while they are single, and usually single for many years, for this life, or became widowed. If you know me, I don't really love the fact that I'm 25 and single; however, I'm trying to love it. This books really helps me out a lot, and puts a lot of things in a different perspective. It helps when I am part of a Church and a Ward that is very focused on families (remember, I am not a part of an eternal family right now as I'm the only member in my family).
Chapter 8: Never a Single Dull Moment is the chapter I'm currently reading, and it's so good! Okay - the whole book is amazing so far, and I'm sure it won't let me down to the end. I wanted to pull out some things that I've read that I just loved. Maybe this will inspire others or not. Either way, I know it has helped me and opened my eyes a little more.
"A valued single friend has written: 'When we come into this world, we are alone. When we enter the waters of baptism, we do this as individuals. We are confirmed one at a time. One by one we bear our testimonies. Each of us is endowed in the temple as an individual. Our Church callings usually come to the one. And when we die, it will likely be a lone experience. I think we expect that so much of life is about being a couple or with others that we ignore all the times that Heavenly Father expects us to stand alone, to be counted as an individual, and to personally bear witness. We shouldn't be surprised that so many of our key experiences come to us alone. Likewise, salvation comes to one soul at a time' Because salvation comes individually to us, we had better like ourselves and feel comfortable with who we are (153-154)."
"My motto [Dini Hansma] is: You will receive in life comparable to what you give. Single people especially need to reach out to others. Sitting back and waiting to see what others will do for you might mean you have to wait for a long time. Nobody is served by being depressed about it or having a depressed person on their hands. There is so very much to do. Help unconditionally, because if you expect rewards you will not get them and you will be disappointed. Count your blessings, and really name them one by one. Then thank the Lord for all you have and for all you can do. Ask Him what you can do for Him, instead of the other way around."
I may be single, and even have a lot of pressure to find an eternal companion to have my own family, BUT I can do so much as a single adult that many others may not be able to do. This really is MY time to serve the Lord to the fullest, and to learn all about me. This is my time to enjoy the blessings I've been given, and to enjoy the simple moments where the only one I have to think about is myself when needed, and go out and serve others as it calls for!!
With this book, it's about her life and the life of others while they are single, and usually single for many years, for this life, or became widowed. If you know me, I don't really love the fact that I'm 25 and single; however, I'm trying to love it. This books really helps me out a lot, and puts a lot of things in a different perspective. It helps when I am part of a Church and a Ward that is very focused on families (remember, I am not a part of an eternal family right now as I'm the only member in my family).
Chapter 8: Never a Single Dull Moment is the chapter I'm currently reading, and it's so good! Okay - the whole book is amazing so far, and I'm sure it won't let me down to the end. I wanted to pull out some things that I've read that I just loved. Maybe this will inspire others or not. Either way, I know it has helped me and opened my eyes a little more.
"A valued single friend has written: 'When we come into this world, we are alone. When we enter the waters of baptism, we do this as individuals. We are confirmed one at a time. One by one we bear our testimonies. Each of us is endowed in the temple as an individual. Our Church callings usually come to the one. And when we die, it will likely be a lone experience. I think we expect that so much of life is about being a couple or with others that we ignore all the times that Heavenly Father expects us to stand alone, to be counted as an individual, and to personally bear witness. We shouldn't be surprised that so many of our key experiences come to us alone. Likewise, salvation comes to one soul at a time' Because salvation comes individually to us, we had better like ourselves and feel comfortable with who we are (153-154)."
"My motto [Dini Hansma] is: You will receive in life comparable to what you give. Single people especially need to reach out to others. Sitting back and waiting to see what others will do for you might mean you have to wait for a long time. Nobody is served by being depressed about it or having a depressed person on their hands. There is so very much to do. Help unconditionally, because if you expect rewards you will not get them and you will be disappointed. Count your blessings, and really name them one by one. Then thank the Lord for all you have and for all you can do. Ask Him what you can do for Him, instead of the other way around."
I may be single, and even have a lot of pressure to find an eternal companion to have my own family, BUT I can do so much as a single adult that many others may not be able to do. This really is MY time to serve the Lord to the fullest, and to learn all about me. This is my time to enjoy the blessings I've been given, and to enjoy the simple moments where the only one I have to think about is myself when needed, and go out and serve others as it calls for!!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Self-Assessment (ISFJ)
For one of my classes, we are having to do a self-assessment by using the Myers-Briggs Assessment and also having to find out what our learning styles may be. This is something I've done before when I was a RA for Westminster College; however, I don't remember what I was then. In doing this, I found out that I'm a ISFJ and wow, it fits!
One analysis of this is from Keirsey and they break it down into four temperaments, and within those temperaments are a couple different types of people. Here is what they say about me:
One analysis of this is from Keirsey and they break it down into four temperaments, and within those temperaments are a couple different types of people. Here is what they say about me:
Guardian - Portrait of the Protector (ISFJ)
We are lucky that Protectors make up as much as ten percent the population, because their primary interest is in the safety and security of those they care about - their family, their circle of friends, their students, their patients, their boss, their fellow-workers, or their employees. Protectors have an extraordinary sense of loyalty and responsibility in their makeup, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can shield others from the dirt and dangers of the world. Speculating and experimenting do not intrigue Protectors, who prefer to make do with time-honored and time-tested products and procedures rather than change to new. At work Protectors are seldom happy in situations where the rules are constantly changing, or where long-established ways of doing things are not respected. For their park, Protectors value tradition, both in the culture and in their family. Protectors believe deeply in the stability of social ranking conferred by birth, titles, offices, and credentials. And they cherish family history and enjoy caring for family property, from houses to heirlooms.
Wanting to be of service to others, Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden, and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Provider Guardians (ESFJs), and their shyness is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.
Their reserve ought really to be seen as an expression of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. The most diligent of all the types, Protectors are willing to work long, hard hours quietly doing all the thankless jobs that others manage to avoid. Protectors are quite happy working alone; in fact, in positions of authority they may try to do everything themselves rather than direct others to get the job done. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for them. When Protectors undertake a task, they will complete it if humanly possible. They also know better than any other type the value of a dollar, and they abhor the squandering or misuse of money. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies - these are actions near and dear to the Protector's heart. For all these reasons, Protectors are frequently overworked, just as they are frequently misunderstood and undervalued. Their contributions, and also their economies, are often taken for granted, and they rarely get the gratitude they deserve.
Mother Teresa, George H.W. Bush, Jimmy Steward, and Tsar Nicholas II are examples of Protector Guardian style.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday - Sacrament
So, if you read my blog on Institute, you know I was really excited to be missing out on the marriage lesson. Well... I got it Sunday!
I was sitting in our Sacrament Meeting enjoying the lack of responsibility for the moment and preparing myself to sub in the Valiant 9 Primary class. Sitting next to one of my closest friends, Amanda, who I hadn't seen in a couple of months. The first speaker got up, and she pretty much just bore her testimony and talked of Christ. We sung a song, and then two more speakers... a husband and wife.
The wife gets up, and starts off talking about how a month ago, her and her husband got sealed to each other. OH NO... it's marriage! Then, her husband gets up and... marriage. Yea - I guess I still needed to hear it, and they did a really great job. I know that I felt the spirit when they spoke, and that I don't want anything less than a temple marriage!!! When one is marriage and sealed in the Temple, it's not just two people working together... it's three! With Heavenly Father a part of your relationship, things will just work out so much better and you'll be happier!
I'm excited for that day that I can be married and sealed to my eternal companion, and I know it will come at the exact time that it should. What a beautiful day it really will be! I know as I've watched my other friends get married in the Temple, and how happy they are when it has been done correctly!!
I was sitting in our Sacrament Meeting enjoying the lack of responsibility for the moment and preparing myself to sub in the Valiant 9 Primary class. Sitting next to one of my closest friends, Amanda, who I hadn't seen in a couple of months. The first speaker got up, and she pretty much just bore her testimony and talked of Christ. We sung a song, and then two more speakers... a husband and wife.
The wife gets up, and starts off talking about how a month ago, her and her husband got sealed to each other. OH NO... it's marriage! Then, her husband gets up and... marriage. Yea - I guess I still needed to hear it, and they did a really great job. I know that I felt the spirit when they spoke, and that I don't want anything less than a temple marriage!!! When one is marriage and sealed in the Temple, it's not just two people working together... it's three! With Heavenly Father a part of your relationship, things will just work out so much better and you'll be happier!
I'm excited for that day that I can be married and sealed to my eternal companion, and I know it will come at the exact time that it should. What a beautiful day it really will be! I know as I've watched my other friends get married in the Temple, and how happy they are when it has been done correctly!!
Friday, October 24, 2008
What I Cannot Change
Last night I was able to attend a LeAnn Rimes concert in Lufkin - wow! It was a really good concert, and she can really sing! I say that because there are so many artist out there that are only good recorded. LR is great recorded and live!!
She sang many songs that brought a lot of thought to my mind (as I like to think a lot), and even (can't believe I'm saying this) bring tears to my eyes. One song she sang is called What I Cannot Change and it's from her newest album Family. (If you go to her website http://www.whaticannotchange.com you will be able to get the story behind the song.) This song is one that I loved from the album (#12), and is one that I connect to a lot.
We all have those days that we are just frustrated with everything around us, and just aren't sure what to do. There are those things that get to us - some we can change and some we can't. I know, for me, that there are many things that get to me that I wish I could change, but I can't. There are other things that I will do my best to change to make better - no matter the cost. More importantly, I know what makes me, me. I know my routines and what makes me happy/sad. What makes you tick?
Here is a small list of what makes me tick...
* I have to drink water every morning or I'll have a bad headache.
* I never like to have a quiet apartment/house so you will always find music playing or a movie/tv show on, even if just in the background.
* A child smiling will fix everything in my day.
* I don't know how to say "no", and it's because I'm afraid of what will happen -- good or bad, but usually have thoughts of bad.
* It's rare that I'll ever read a book that is not by a LDS author, and the books I do read are usually help books or teaching books of some kind.
* I love to spend a weekend at home... alone!
* Mirrors are my worst enemy.
* I don't like people to talk about me, even if it's good.
* Someone noticing me -- being present and even more, not present -- helps me know that I'm really not alone; that someone cares.
* I love to dance, and do it all the time!
* The dates I love the most are when nothing big happens. A simple evening of watching a movie at home or going for a walk is far greater of importance to me than actually going out. Those simple things are big!
* I may never tell you how important you are to me or that I love you/ya, but it doesn't mean that you aren't on my mind as you are probably there all the time.
* I hate conflicts!
* I LOVE organization, and what is messy to me is probably really clean to you. Yea, I'm OCD!
* I still sit in my father's lap, even for just a short moment after a really long day.
* I'm easy to tease and pick-on.
* I will never give up on anyone.
* Loyalty is important to me.
* If something doesn't work out, it's my fault - even if it's really not. I'm really just that hard on myself.
* No one will ever reach my expectations... not even me.
* I am shy.
* Very few people know ME, and even fewer people know ALL of me.
* The Gospel of Jesus Christ is my life, my foundation, my rock. Without it, nothing else would matter in my life.
So the list is longer than I thought it would be, but so many things make me, me. This is still a short list. Many things I wish I could change; many things I wish could just be simplier in my life. However, I have to learn to just accept those things that I cannot change, and change those things I can.
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can
She sang many songs that brought a lot of thought to my mind (as I like to think a lot), and even (can't believe I'm saying this) bring tears to my eyes. One song she sang is called What I Cannot Change and it's from her newest album Family. (If you go to her website http://www.whaticannotchange.com you will be able to get the story behind the song.) This song is one that I loved from the album (#12), and is one that I connect to a lot.
We all have those days that we are just frustrated with everything around us, and just aren't sure what to do. There are those things that get to us - some we can change and some we can't. I know, for me, that there are many things that get to me that I wish I could change, but I can't. There are other things that I will do my best to change to make better - no matter the cost. More importantly, I know what makes me, me. I know my routines and what makes me happy/sad. What makes you tick?
Here is a small list of what makes me tick...
* I have to drink water every morning or I'll have a bad headache.
* I never like to have a quiet apartment/house so you will always find music playing or a movie/tv show on, even if just in the background.
* A child smiling will fix everything in my day.
* I don't know how to say "no", and it's because I'm afraid of what will happen -- good or bad, but usually have thoughts of bad.
* It's rare that I'll ever read a book that is not by a LDS author, and the books I do read are usually help books or teaching books of some kind.
* I love to spend a weekend at home... alone!
* Mirrors are my worst enemy.
* I don't like people to talk about me, even if it's good.
* Someone noticing me -- being present and even more, not present -- helps me know that I'm really not alone; that someone cares.
* I love to dance, and do it all the time!
* The dates I love the most are when nothing big happens. A simple evening of watching a movie at home or going for a walk is far greater of importance to me than actually going out. Those simple things are big!
* I may never tell you how important you are to me or that I love you/ya, but it doesn't mean that you aren't on my mind as you are probably there all the time.
* I hate conflicts!
* I LOVE organization, and what is messy to me is probably really clean to you. Yea, I'm OCD!
* I still sit in my father's lap, even for just a short moment after a really long day.
* I'm easy to tease and pick-on.
* I will never give up on anyone.
* Loyalty is important to me.
* If something doesn't work out, it's my fault - even if it's really not. I'm really just that hard on myself.
* No one will ever reach my expectations... not even me.
* I am shy.
* Very few people know ME, and even fewer people know ALL of me.
* The Gospel of Jesus Christ is my life, my foundation, my rock. Without it, nothing else would matter in my life.
So the list is longer than I thought it would be, but so many things make me, me. This is still a short list. Many things I wish I could change; many things I wish could just be simplier in my life. However, I have to learn to just accept those things that I cannot change, and change those things I can.
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Institute
This semester we are studying "The Gospel and the Productive Life." I've actually had this class three times already, so I guess a forth time doesn't hurt. haha
In looking at what we are studying tonight, and what we are going to be studying for the next couple of weeks. I knew there was a lesson on marriage (as it's one I've always enjoyed trying to avoid - when possible), and I was hoping that maybe that would be the lesson on the Wednesday that I do have to miss Institute as I'm going to Little Rock for NCFR. Well... it is!! :-) haha
Now, don't get me wrong - I want to get married and I know the importance of "Selecting and Becoming an Eternal Companion." There is no doubt about it; however, the older you get, I think the more you don't want to hear about it. Not that it's a bad thing, but that you hear about it so much in other areas of life that a break is nice.
Just thought it was kind of funny (it really did make me laugh) that that was the lesson I would be missing. It's also the FHE lesson I missed during the summer when I went to visit Kayla for her birthday. Kind of ironic how things work out. :-) hehe And I really don't do it on purpose!!
Maybe I should read and study alone?! You think?
In looking at what we are studying tonight, and what we are going to be studying for the next couple of weeks. I knew there was a lesson on marriage (as it's one I've always enjoyed trying to avoid - when possible), and I was hoping that maybe that would be the lesson on the Wednesday that I do have to miss Institute as I'm going to Little Rock for NCFR. Well... it is!! :-) haha
Now, don't get me wrong - I want to get married and I know the importance of "Selecting and Becoming an Eternal Companion." There is no doubt about it; however, the older you get, I think the more you don't want to hear about it. Not that it's a bad thing, but that you hear about it so much in other areas of life that a break is nice.
Just thought it was kind of funny (it really did make me laugh) that that was the lesson I would be missing. It's also the FHE lesson I missed during the summer when I went to visit Kayla for her birthday. Kind of ironic how things work out. :-) hehe And I really don't do it on purpose!!
Maybe I should read and study alone?! You think?
Friday, October 17, 2008
Stand A Little Taller
I was given a book of scriptures and quotes by Gordon B. Hinckley from Jared a few years back. How I have loved this book, and the daily messages it gives to me each day. It is nothing long or big, but from small and simple things, great things can be.
Reading the scripture and message for today, I happened to look to see what tomorrow holds. How excited I was to read and know that I'm doing just that tomorrow.
Tomorrow is a Temple Day for me and some other fellow YSA members. We are going to attend a session, and I'm excited. It's been a few months since I was able to do a session due to work, crazy schedules, and going to help out with baptisms. How much I love the temple!!!
Here is the message:
LIVE IN, NOT OF, THE WORLD
And verily I say unto thee that thou shalt lay aside the things of this world, and seek for the things of a better.
- Doctrine and Covenants 25:10
All of us live in the world. We cannot live a cloistered life. But we can live in the world without partaking of the unseemly ways of the world.
How grateful I am to know that there is a better way to life than living the way that most live in this world. I know that I am not perfect, and that I have a lot to still learn. But it's great to know that I'm at least striving to do right and become better. It makes me happy to know that I know His great plan - The Plan of Salvation (Happiness), and that my just striving every day to be better than the day before, I can make it. I can do everything that comes my way without too much worry or stress. It is a relief to know that!!
I am truly grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the blessings it has brought into my life. I am grateful for the friendships I have that are real and true; for those who care about me, and help me when I fall. This time on Earth truly is amazing!!
Reading the scripture and message for today, I happened to look to see what tomorrow holds. How excited I was to read and know that I'm doing just that tomorrow.
Tomorrow is a Temple Day for me and some other fellow YSA members. We are going to attend a session, and I'm excited. It's been a few months since I was able to do a session due to work, crazy schedules, and going to help out with baptisms. How much I love the temple!!!
Here is the message:
LIVE IN, NOT OF, THE WORLD
And verily I say unto thee that thou shalt lay aside the things of this world, and seek for the things of a better.
- Doctrine and Covenants 25:10
All of us live in the world. We cannot live a cloistered life. But we can live in the world without partaking of the unseemly ways of the world.
How grateful I am to know that there is a better way to life than living the way that most live in this world. I know that I am not perfect, and that I have a lot to still learn. But it's great to know that I'm at least striving to do right and become better. It makes me happy to know that I know His great plan - The Plan of Salvation (Happiness), and that my just striving every day to be better than the day before, I can make it. I can do everything that comes my way without too much worry or stress. It is a relief to know that!!
I am truly grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the blessings it has brought into my life. I am grateful for the friendships I have that are real and true; for those who care about me, and help me when I fall. This time on Earth truly is amazing!!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
NCFR... Little Rock... Memphis?
At the beginning of November, I have an amazing opportunity to attend a National Council on Family Relations Conference! I'm really excited about this as we get to network with professionals, and hear about different research findings and other information on things that are happening now. Just a really neat experience.
In looking at the workshops I want to attend, I've found out that I'll be done by 3pm on most days... like Friday. Well, Memphis is only 2 hours away, and for anyone who knows me, my ex who I am still CRAZY about lives up there. So, we are going to get together, but aren't sure if he's coming to Little Rock, I'm going to Memphis, or we are just meeting in the middle.
Right now, I'm kind of leaning in so many different directions on what we should do. All I know is that I'm REALLY excited to see him, but VERY scared/nervous at the same time. I shouldn't be, but I am. Anything is possible -man, anything is possible!
What do I do? (And that question is for so many different things.)
In looking at the workshops I want to attend, I've found out that I'll be done by 3pm on most days... like Friday. Well, Memphis is only 2 hours away, and for anyone who knows me, my ex who I am still CRAZY about lives up there. So, we are going to get together, but aren't sure if he's coming to Little Rock, I'm going to Memphis, or we are just meeting in the middle.
Right now, I'm kind of leaning in so many different directions on what we should do. All I know is that I'm REALLY excited to see him, but VERY scared/nervous at the same time. I shouldn't be, but I am. Anything is possible -man, anything is possible!
What do I do? (And that question is for so many different things.)
Friday, October 10, 2008
I Think...
My mother sent me this postcard in a package while I was living in Utah. When I received it, it made me kind of sad, and I thought it was just another one of those jokes my parents like to play on me. Well, tonight I realized that I think it's really true. I'm making what seemed to once just be a joke, be something that's very real.
"I think; therefore, I am single"
I never thought that my thoughts would keep me single, but I think they are helping out with such. Maybe part of it is the place I live, but at the same time, I tend to analyze and think a lot about things happening around me. I think a lot about looks people give me or how they act towards me or the people around them.
Thinking too much is certainly what I'm doing, and it's certainly helping me stay single. Oh - how I wish I could turn my brain off at times!! Especially tonight, but alas, I will deal with it on and make the best of what I have.
"I think; therefore, I am single"
I never thought that my thoughts would keep me single, but I think they are helping out with such. Maybe part of it is the place I live, but at the same time, I tend to analyze and think a lot about things happening around me. I think a lot about looks people give me or how they act towards me or the people around them.
Thinking too much is certainly what I'm doing, and it's certainly helping me stay single. Oh - how I wish I could turn my brain off at times!! Especially tonight, but alas, I will deal with it on and make the best of what I have.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
YAY!
Okay - so I know this is my second blog today, and I just wrote one not too long ago, but I'm really excited about this!
For the people who know me, know that I have longed to serve a mission and it never felt right - or maybe I just made up really good excuses. Either way, I never turned in my mission papers. WELL... after I graduate from SFA in a couple years, I'm going to serve! Who cares if I'll be 27/28 years old and serving with those from 19-23 years old. That doesn't matter at all!
How excited of this am I!?!? So very much!! It's what I love to do! So today is the day I start to prepare myself. Today is the day that I make sure that I have my life in order so that I am prepared to leave the world for 18 months. YAY!!
For the people who know me, know that I have longed to serve a mission and it never felt right - or maybe I just made up really good excuses. Either way, I never turned in my mission papers. WELL... after I graduate from SFA in a couple years, I'm going to serve! Who cares if I'll be 27/28 years old and serving with those from 19-23 years old. That doesn't matter at all!
How excited of this am I!?!? So very much!! It's what I love to do! So today is the day I start to prepare myself. Today is the day that I make sure that I have my life in order so that I am prepared to leave the world for 18 months. YAY!!
Afraid
Why does it seem like I'm more afraid to say what I really feel? Why do I hold back so much? Sometimes I think it's because I felt so judged before; however, that's just an excuse. I have no true reason to be afraid except for the only reason anyone is afraid... fear of rejection or being hurt.
I want friendships and a relationship... I want so much; however, I'm starting to feel that it's okay to sacrifice things for that. Oh man... not good!! To be a leader is sometimes to stand alone... I can't be afraid of that! Sometimes one must sacrifice things they want for things that are right. I need to be stronger! I need to be that leader!
Today, an investigator decided to take out a friend for lunch as it's her birthday. Very sweet jester! However, when she asked me if I wanted to go, all I could say was I don't know - maybe. When in the back of my mind, I wanted to say heck no - it's Sunday! Others who are members went, and the birthday girl didn't even turn it down. Lucky me - I have a guilty conscience. The Elder's stopped me afterwards to ask me a question, and I didn't go to the lunch. The investigator texted me to see if I was meeting them there, and I just said that somethings happening right now so no. I feel horrible right now because I couldn't just say "hey - lets do it on another day that's not Sunday" or just say no right off the bat. I feel horrible that I would even think about going, and thought it would be fun to be with them... it's Sunday! It's a day that is supposed to be spent with the Lord and "resting" from the every day life.
Now, I feel impressed to write this investigator a message on my thoughts and feelings, and why I didn't join up with them today. Not easy, but certainly a learning experience for me and her. Oh... I need to fix myself!
I want friendships and a relationship... I want so much; however, I'm starting to feel that it's okay to sacrifice things for that. Oh man... not good!! To be a leader is sometimes to stand alone... I can't be afraid of that! Sometimes one must sacrifice things they want for things that are right. I need to be stronger! I need to be that leader!
Today, an investigator decided to take out a friend for lunch as it's her birthday. Very sweet jester! However, when she asked me if I wanted to go, all I could say was I don't know - maybe. When in the back of my mind, I wanted to say heck no - it's Sunday! Others who are members went, and the birthday girl didn't even turn it down. Lucky me - I have a guilty conscience. The Elder's stopped me afterwards to ask me a question, and I didn't go to the lunch. The investigator texted me to see if I was meeting them there, and I just said that somethings happening right now so no. I feel horrible right now because I couldn't just say "hey - lets do it on another day that's not Sunday" or just say no right off the bat. I feel horrible that I would even think about going, and thought it would be fun to be with them... it's Sunday! It's a day that is supposed to be spent with the Lord and "resting" from the every day life.
Now, I feel impressed to write this investigator a message on my thoughts and feelings, and why I didn't join up with them today. Not easy, but certainly a learning experience for me and her. Oh... I need to fix myself!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Missing
Have you ever been somewhere that you knew you should feel happy, and you didn't? Ever look forward to getting to a place, and once you were there, wishing it was time for you to leave already?
My home... my apartment is like this. I never want to be here, and it's my place of living. My day could be going so very well, and the second I get here, it all changes. I lock myself in my room because my brother is watching trash on TV, or I just have this horrible feeling in my apartment. I don't like it at all!! My room isn't even where I would like it to be as I still feel the rest of the apartment, and it's not happy.
I'm so very ready to live alone again. I'm ready to know that what is happening in my apartment is righteous and pleasing to God. I love my brother; however, I know that living with him is hurting me greatly. I'm not happy anymore in my own living space! It makes me sad!! Only 3 1/2 more months!!!
My home... my apartment is like this. I never want to be here, and it's my place of living. My day could be going so very well, and the second I get here, it all changes. I lock myself in my room because my brother is watching trash on TV, or I just have this horrible feeling in my apartment. I don't like it at all!! My room isn't even where I would like it to be as I still feel the rest of the apartment, and it's not happy.
I'm so very ready to live alone again. I'm ready to know that what is happening in my apartment is righteous and pleasing to God. I love my brother; however, I know that living with him is hurting me greatly. I'm not happy anymore in my own living space! It makes me sad!! Only 3 1/2 more months!!!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Speechless
Why is it that every time you come around, I don't know what to say? You make me speechless, and it's rare that that happens. I get so nervous that I'm going to make a fool of myself and say something wrong. I get nervous that I'm going to do something wrong, or that is going to make you look away. How badly I want to be able to just talk to you without fear, but yet, every time... I go speechless.
I want to know you; I want a friendship. It's never been hard for me to talk to a guy and develop that friendship; however, with you it seems impossible. Is it because you are different? Is it because you are better than anyone else I've known that I've been interested in? Is it because you have a lot of the qualities that I want in a companion? I don't know. I don't know why it's so hard to talk to you.
But... why does it seem like it's so hard for you to talk to me? Why does it seem that you will ignore me... even in an empty room? Are you afraid of me? Have I done something wrong? Again... I don't know.
I do know... you leave me speechless!
I want to know you; I want a friendship. It's never been hard for me to talk to a guy and develop that friendship; however, with you it seems impossible. Is it because you are different? Is it because you are better than anyone else I've known that I've been interested in? Is it because you have a lot of the qualities that I want in a companion? I don't know. I don't know why it's so hard to talk to you.
But... why does it seem like it's so hard for you to talk to me? Why does it seem that you will ignore me... even in an empty room? Are you afraid of me? Have I done something wrong? Again... I don't know.
I do know... you leave me speechless!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Never Knew
I never knew being back in Texas was going to be as hard as it is on me. I never knew that I would feel as alone as I do. Unfortunately, I am reminded why I went inactive... besides not having a very strong testimony. The people who treated me the best were non-members. No, the actions weren't always the best, but I can promise you that they would miss me if I wasn't around or that they would call to see how I was. They had no set expectations for me except for me to be me. Something I was able to do.
Some of the people I'm starting to get closest to here in Nacogdoches aren't members. They are the ones that I would rather spend time with over anyone else. Well... I guess that's not 100% true as I wish I could be back in Utah!!
So many say that Utah is such a horrible place, and that they don't like it there... I loved it! The people are amazing! I had some of the best friends when I was in Utah. They appreciated me for me, and noticed if I wasn't around. Let me tell you... people here don't notice if I'm around or not, so why do I even bother?! Heck, why do I even let it bother me?!
I'm here to get my degree, and then I'm getting out. At least I hope! People don't look for me at Church, they don't look for me at activities and if I don't show up, call to see if I'm coming, and they certainly don't talk to me. So yea... why do I even bother?!?!
I bother because I know I need to be there. I bother because of the covenants I made with Heavenly Father. I bother because it's not about what I receive from others, but it's about what I can give for others. Guess it's just wearing me down because I'm tired of thinking so much. I'm tired of caring what others think of me and wondering who I can go to about things. I know who I can go to... the Lord!!! That's where I should go, anyways. Who cares if I don't really have a lot of friends to hang out with or do whatever with?! Who cares if i don't date?! I mean really... does it matter that much....
Of course it does, and that's why it matters so much to me! BLAH!
I never knew it was going to be this hard.
Some of the people I'm starting to get closest to here in Nacogdoches aren't members. They are the ones that I would rather spend time with over anyone else. Well... I guess that's not 100% true as I wish I could be back in Utah!!
So many say that Utah is such a horrible place, and that they don't like it there... I loved it! The people are amazing! I had some of the best friends when I was in Utah. They appreciated me for me, and noticed if I wasn't around. Let me tell you... people here don't notice if I'm around or not, so why do I even bother?! Heck, why do I even let it bother me?!
I'm here to get my degree, and then I'm getting out. At least I hope! People don't look for me at Church, they don't look for me at activities and if I don't show up, call to see if I'm coming, and they certainly don't talk to me. So yea... why do I even bother?!?!
I bother because I know I need to be there. I bother because of the covenants I made with Heavenly Father. I bother because it's not about what I receive from others, but it's about what I can give for others. Guess it's just wearing me down because I'm tired of thinking so much. I'm tired of caring what others think of me and wondering who I can go to about things. I know who I can go to... the Lord!!! That's where I should go, anyways. Who cares if I don't really have a lot of friends to hang out with or do whatever with?! Who cares if i don't date?! I mean really... does it matter that much....
Of course it does, and that's why it matters so much to me! BLAH!
I never knew it was going to be this hard.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
A Really Good Day!!
Today was a really good day, and that makes me really happy!!!
I spent the morning getting different things together and doing some cleaning. Then I talked with Abby a little bit, and that was good to hear from her. I've missed hanging out with her. My mom came over from Lufkin, and we went out to eat at Nijiya Sushi Bar & Grill. It was really good, but oh my, the prices for dinner is expensive. Think I'll just stick to the lunches!! Afterwards, we went to Maurices, and got my mom some cute clothes. :-) I got a shirt and a vest jacket.
Starting at 3:30pm, I was in a meeting and spent the rest of the evening in meetings. After getting my book back that I had left in lab, I went to my Family & Child Development Club. I'm the new VP!! I'm super excited about that. It's going to be fun, and I'm going to go to Little Rock for a conference in November! YAY! Then I had a Risk Management Training meeting for all officers which was common sense, but it works. At 6:30pm, I met up with the Elders to help teach a lesson and then we had another one just after 8pm. I feel it was a good and productive night.
I get home finally, and find an e-mail from someone I met when I was visiting Utah. We've been e-mailing pretty much every day, and I've loved it! It's one thing I look forward to every day. Kind of cool!!
So yea... just a really great day!!! YAY! :-)
I spent the morning getting different things together and doing some cleaning. Then I talked with Abby a little bit, and that was good to hear from her. I've missed hanging out with her. My mom came over from Lufkin, and we went out to eat at Nijiya Sushi Bar & Grill. It was really good, but oh my, the prices for dinner is expensive. Think I'll just stick to the lunches!! Afterwards, we went to Maurices, and got my mom some cute clothes. :-) I got a shirt and a vest jacket.
Starting at 3:30pm, I was in a meeting and spent the rest of the evening in meetings. After getting my book back that I had left in lab, I went to my Family & Child Development Club. I'm the new VP!! I'm super excited about that. It's going to be fun, and I'm going to go to Little Rock for a conference in November! YAY! Then I had a Risk Management Training meeting for all officers which was common sense, but it works. At 6:30pm, I met up with the Elders to help teach a lesson and then we had another one just after 8pm. I feel it was a good and productive night.
I get home finally, and find an e-mail from someone I met when I was visiting Utah. We've been e-mailing pretty much every day, and I've loved it! It's one thing I look forward to every day. Kind of cool!!
So yea... just a really great day!!! YAY! :-)
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Spreading Thin
There are so many things that I want to do; however, I'm starting to feel like I'm getting spread a little too thin. For the past couple of weeks, I've been trying to focus more on the YSA and making sure that things are happening. This is great; however, I can't do it as much as I am. Right now, I have so many things happening in my life and I'm getting behind in things. In the past few weeks, I've also tried to focus on myself some. Not just on me, but really trying to understand my life and my feelings. I CAN'T DO THIS! I get so caught up that I just forget other things.
So... I have a goal, and I have to make it work. No ands, ifs, or buts about it!
What I want to do is this:
*Date
*Activities
*Friends/Families - hang out
*Serve everyone possible
*Teach the gospel to all who will listen
What I need to do:
*School, school, and school!
*Work
*Callings, but not to where it takes over my life
So... who cares if I'm single?! I'm just letting go of those feelings. They are going to the back burner, and I don't know when I'll bring them forward again.
Activities... other people are going to have to do things too. Plan for the whole month, and then just let others help out to make it happen. If it doesn't, then who cares! I can't stress about it so much.
I just... I have so many things to do and that I want to do. Now, I have to put things in order and make what's important happen. Because right now, I'm tired and just want to stop. I can't!!
So... I have a goal, and I have to make it work. No ands, ifs, or buts about it!
What I want to do is this:
*Date
*Activities
*Friends/Families - hang out
*Serve everyone possible
*Teach the gospel to all who will listen
What I need to do:
*School, school, and school!
*Work
*Callings, but not to where it takes over my life
So... who cares if I'm single?! I'm just letting go of those feelings. They are going to the back burner, and I don't know when I'll bring them forward again.
Activities... other people are going to have to do things too. Plan for the whole month, and then just let others help out to make it happen. If it doesn't, then who cares! I can't stress about it so much.
I just... I have so many things to do and that I want to do. Now, I have to put things in order and make what's important happen. Because right now, I'm tired and just want to stop. I can't!!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Wants, But Unworthy
I feel so unworthy for the things I want so much... to date, to be important to the people around me, to set an example that others want to follow, and to be a true disciple of Christ.
Dating... No, there aren't a lot of options here in Nacogdoches, TX or really around me, but there are a few. However, I don't feel that I'm pretty enough, or strong enough in the gospel. I feel that I always say the wrong things at the wrong time, or just don't say anything. I try to not care about it so much, but that's hard when you know the importance of dating and finding at eternal companion. When it's the one thing people are always asking you about or trying to push.
Importance... I really don't know if people would recognize if I wasn't around. There might be a few, but overall, I really just don't know if I'm that important to anyone. A lot of the times I just feel that I'm being used because people know that I'll do anything I can to help out. I have a VERY hard time saying no, and honestly, it's so rare that I say no that I don't remember the last time I said it.
Example... Disciple of Christ... These go together as the Savior was the greatest example, and to be a disciple of Christ is to follow His example and make it a part of your life. I'm not perfect, and I know that I won't be perfect here on Earth. However, there are so many more things that I could and should do in my life. I want to be that light people are wanting to have in their life. I want to be someone that is able to put aside my own cares and concerns for others. I can think of all the things that I don't do, and can barely think of anything I do right.
Maybe I'm just being really hard on myself, but it's how I feel right now. OH... Jared called me for the first time in 6 months!!
Dating... No, there aren't a lot of options here in Nacogdoches, TX or really around me, but there are a few. However, I don't feel that I'm pretty enough, or strong enough in the gospel. I feel that I always say the wrong things at the wrong time, or just don't say anything. I try to not care about it so much, but that's hard when you know the importance of dating and finding at eternal companion. When it's the one thing people are always asking you about or trying to push.
Importance... I really don't know if people would recognize if I wasn't around. There might be a few, but overall, I really just don't know if I'm that important to anyone. A lot of the times I just feel that I'm being used because people know that I'll do anything I can to help out. I have a VERY hard time saying no, and honestly, it's so rare that I say no that I don't remember the last time I said it.
Example... Disciple of Christ... These go together as the Savior was the greatest example, and to be a disciple of Christ is to follow His example and make it a part of your life. I'm not perfect, and I know that I won't be perfect here on Earth. However, there are so many more things that I could and should do in my life. I want to be that light people are wanting to have in their life. I want to be someone that is able to put aside my own cares and concerns for others. I can think of all the things that I don't do, and can barely think of anything I do right.
Maybe I'm just being really hard on myself, but it's how I feel right now. OH... Jared called me for the first time in 6 months!!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Past Weekend
I had so much fun this weekend. It was long and very busy, but so much fun!
Friday was spent at work. I have two jobs now, and I was working both of them on Friday. Makes for a really long day, but at the same time, I'm okay with that because it's good money and won't always be that way.
Saturday, I spent the morning getting things together, shopping in Lufkin, and then headed up to Longview. Went to bowl with some friends for a Tri-Stake Activity and ultimate frisbee. That is such a fun game, but can certainly wear you out! I love it!!
Sunday was a really nice day. Spent it doing what I enjoy... Church! Went to my meetings, and that was fun. I got to actually go to Sunday School and Relief Society. It was really needed! Then FHE... oh my gosh, we had so much fun! I love being with friends, and laughing!
It was just a REALLy good weekend!
OH... found out that the guy I have a crush on now knows. A friend of ours ended up telling him that I like him. Not too sure how this is going to turn out, but I guess we'll just see. Hoping for the best, but at the same time, I need to just learn to CHILL OUT and not think so much! Yea... I think WAY too much. :-)
Friday was spent at work. I have two jobs now, and I was working both of them on Friday. Makes for a really long day, but at the same time, I'm okay with that because it's good money and won't always be that way.
Saturday, I spent the morning getting things together, shopping in Lufkin, and then headed up to Longview. Went to bowl with some friends for a Tri-Stake Activity and ultimate frisbee. That is such a fun game, but can certainly wear you out! I love it!!
Sunday was a really nice day. Spent it doing what I enjoy... Church! Went to my meetings, and that was fun. I got to actually go to Sunday School and Relief Society. It was really needed! Then FHE... oh my gosh, we had so much fun! I love being with friends, and laughing!
It was just a REALLy good weekend!
OH... found out that the guy I have a crush on now knows. A friend of ours ended up telling him that I like him. Not too sure how this is going to turn out, but I guess we'll just see. Hoping for the best, but at the same time, I need to just learn to CHILL OUT and not think so much! Yea... I think WAY too much. :-)
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Guys Confuse Me
So... I've never really understood guys, but they are confusing me even more right now. Why is it that a guy tells you that he likes you, that you're cute, or that they had a crush on you AFTER you move away? Why not tell you when you are around and could maybe make something happen?
The night before I left to head back to Texas after my visit to Utah, I had a guy tell me that he liked me. This is a guy who I did like when I was in Utah; yet, we were always just friends and I was a support system for him. Last night, I had this other guy who I thought was cute, tell me that he used to go by a co-workers desk because she worked by me and he had a crush on me.
Seriously, I'm confused by this. And I don't even want to go into having a guy act so sad to see me leave and want me around so much; yet, is crazy about someone else.
I'm the type of person that just likes for people to say how it is. Yea, I have a crush on this guy right now and no he doesn't know. Right now, I'm not in the mood to make a fool of myself, but maybe that's why I'm just now learning about things from a year and a half ago. Maybe they were afraid of making a fool of themselves too. *sigh* But yea... really liking this guy and not even thinking about Jared. It's amazing!! :-)
One day... that's all I really have to say.
The night before I left to head back to Texas after my visit to Utah, I had a guy tell me that he liked me. This is a guy who I did like when I was in Utah; yet, we were always just friends and I was a support system for him. Last night, I had this other guy who I thought was cute, tell me that he used to go by a co-workers desk because she worked by me and he had a crush on me.
Seriously, I'm confused by this. And I don't even want to go into having a guy act so sad to see me leave and want me around so much; yet, is crazy about someone else.
I'm the type of person that just likes for people to say how it is. Yea, I have a crush on this guy right now and no he doesn't know. Right now, I'm not in the mood to make a fool of myself, but maybe that's why I'm just now learning about things from a year and a half ago. Maybe they were afraid of making a fool of themselves too. *sigh* But yea... really liking this guy and not even thinking about Jared. It's amazing!! :-)
One day... that's all I really have to say.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Utah...
... what a great place!!
I got back from Utah almost a week ago, and it's been a really long, yet short, week. It was so nice to be able to go back and spend time with some very dear friends. I was able to go on some dates that were causal things. No, I didn't see everyone that I wanted to see, but I guess that just means that I need to go back. :-)
It was nice to have a break, and to enjoy the outdoors. I spent a day at Bear Lake, and that was amazing!! I spent a good hour at the top of Ensign Peak, and it was just beautiful. The wind was blowing, and it was just peaceful. I was happy... 100% happy. My mind has been going non-stop since I got to Utah, and today, I think it finally started to slow down... maybe a little bit.
I didn't want to leave; I wanted to make Utah my home again. I've been thinking that maybe in 6 months when my lease is up that I would move back and do school out there. I mean - there are many options, and I know it wouldn't be that hard for me to find a place to live and a job to work. However, I got my answer today... maybe not what I want, but what I know is best. Utah isn't for me right now.... Nacogdoches is. I have no clue why! None at all.
Many things could be playing a part in it, but whatever it is, I know that I'm supposed to be here for it. Now... I'm just going to be patient and do what I know is right. It won't be easy -- not even close. But it's the Lord's will, and that's the most important thing.
Utah... I'll get back there one day; I know that very much so. Just today isn't the day.
I got back from Utah almost a week ago, and it's been a really long, yet short, week. It was so nice to be able to go back and spend time with some very dear friends. I was able to go on some dates that were causal things. No, I didn't see everyone that I wanted to see, but I guess that just means that I need to go back. :-)
It was nice to have a break, and to enjoy the outdoors. I spent a day at Bear Lake, and that was amazing!! I spent a good hour at the top of Ensign Peak, and it was just beautiful. The wind was blowing, and it was just peaceful. I was happy... 100% happy. My mind has been going non-stop since I got to Utah, and today, I think it finally started to slow down... maybe a little bit.
I didn't want to leave; I wanted to make Utah my home again. I've been thinking that maybe in 6 months when my lease is up that I would move back and do school out there. I mean - there are many options, and I know it wouldn't be that hard for me to find a place to live and a job to work. However, I got my answer today... maybe not what I want, but what I know is best. Utah isn't for me right now.... Nacogdoches is. I have no clue why! None at all.
Many things could be playing a part in it, but whatever it is, I know that I'm supposed to be here for it. Now... I'm just going to be patient and do what I know is right. It won't be easy -- not even close. But it's the Lord's will, and that's the most important thing.
Utah... I'll get back there one day; I know that very much so. Just today isn't the day.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Worth It
A friend of mine confided in me tonight about some things, and made a comment that really struck me. Something I wonder from time to time, and just makes you think... "if there's nothing wrong with me, then why am I still single."
I really don't have a problem with being single; however, I would love to be dating and just progressing in that part of my life. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong in my life, and what I could do better. I just really want to be the best that I can be for my eternal companion.
A promise was given to me that I will find my companion, and the he'll love me for my strengths. He'll love me even more for my weaknesses; he'll love me completely. I want that; I'm excited for that. However, it's getting hard right now. I'm 25 years old, and I just feel like something is wrong. Maybe what's wrong is me, but I don't know.
*sigh*
I really don't have a problem with being single; however, I would love to be dating and just progressing in that part of my life. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong in my life, and what I could do better. I just really want to be the best that I can be for my eternal companion.
A promise was given to me that I will find my companion, and the he'll love me for my strengths. He'll love me even more for my weaknesses; he'll love me completely. I want that; I'm excited for that. However, it's getting hard right now. I'm 25 years old, and I just feel like something is wrong. Maybe what's wrong is me, but I don't know.
*sigh*
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Change of Life
Do you ever just get to a point in your life that you aren't very happy with your life... whatever the reason may be? Well... I'm there now.
There are several things in my life that I'm not too happy with or just confused by that are just kind of happening. But then there are those things that I can control or at least help direct a little more than I do. Right now, I've been thinking a lot about my appearance. I know that's weird. I know that I shouldn't worry so much about my appearance, but that's probably been one of the hardest things in my life.
I've grown up feeling more like an object than just a female. Different things have happened in my life... some things that I've told people, and other things that maybe one person knows. And it's not anything that I really dwell upon, but at the same time, it's something that I know has affected me in many different ways. It has affected me in the way I react in situations and how I see myself.
I want that to change. I want to be happy with who I am and how I look. If I gain weight, I want to be able to be okay with it and deal with it instead of having the words "if you gain weight, I'm going to leave you" going through my head. Yes, I'm single... but I tend to think that part of why I'm single is because of my appearance. Crazy, I know.
So, I'm making some decisions and changes in my life that I think will be good for me overall. I'm going on a diet... okay, not like a HUGE weight loss diet, but a healthy diet. I'm going to start eating a little healthier - not so much munching all day. Also, I'm going to start walking/running every day. I have the time, so why not get out and enjoy the outdoors. It always makes me feel better too.
If I want to be happy... then I have to make myself happy!!
There are several things in my life that I'm not too happy with or just confused by that are just kind of happening. But then there are those things that I can control or at least help direct a little more than I do. Right now, I've been thinking a lot about my appearance. I know that's weird. I know that I shouldn't worry so much about my appearance, but that's probably been one of the hardest things in my life.
I've grown up feeling more like an object than just a female. Different things have happened in my life... some things that I've told people, and other things that maybe one person knows. And it's not anything that I really dwell upon, but at the same time, it's something that I know has affected me in many different ways. It has affected me in the way I react in situations and how I see myself.
I want that to change. I want to be happy with who I am and how I look. If I gain weight, I want to be able to be okay with it and deal with it instead of having the words "if you gain weight, I'm going to leave you" going through my head. Yes, I'm single... but I tend to think that part of why I'm single is because of my appearance. Crazy, I know.
So, I'm making some decisions and changes in my life that I think will be good for me overall. I'm going on a diet... okay, not like a HUGE weight loss diet, but a healthy diet. I'm going to start eating a little healthier - not so much munching all day. Also, I'm going to start walking/running every day. I have the time, so why not get out and enjoy the outdoors. It always makes me feel better too.
If I want to be happy... then I have to make myself happy!!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Seven Decisions That Determine Personal Success
The following seven decisions come from a book called The Traveler's Gift by Andy Andrews.
1 - The buck stops here. I am responsible for my past and my future.
2 - I will seek wisdom. I will be servant to others.
3 - I am a person of action. I seize this moment. I choose now.
4 - I have a decided heart. My destiny is assured.
5 - Today I will choose to be happy. I am the possessor of a grateful spirit.
6 - I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. I will forgive myself.
7 - I will persist without exception. I am a person of great faith.
This book was given to me by my father, and I really enjoyed it. It's an easy read, and just kind of made you think about what was really important.
1 - The buck stops here. I am responsible for my past and my future.
2 - I will seek wisdom. I will be servant to others.
3 - I am a person of action. I seize this moment. I choose now.
4 - I have a decided heart. My destiny is assured.
5 - Today I will choose to be happy. I am the possessor of a grateful spirit.
6 - I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. I will forgive myself.
7 - I will persist without exception. I am a person of great faith.
This book was given to me by my father, and I really enjoyed it. It's an easy read, and just kind of made you think about what was really important.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
How long does it really take?
4 1/2 years, three semi-relationships, one relationship, several dates, a marriage conversation and I still think back to you. In every "relationship", you are the one that each guy is compared to and the one that each guy never completely measures up to. At the end of every "relationship", you are the one I want to run to and the one I want to be with. WHY?!?!
I'm really not understanding why I want to turn to you so much, and why my heart is having such a hard time letting you go.
I was the one to end our relationship, not you. I shouldn't be the one having such a hard time with this. It ended because we both needed to grow up, and there were things that I needed to do that I could only do single. Now, I don't want to do anything without you.
We used to talk so much; you always wanted to know what was happening in my life, but yet something changed. The last time I saw you couldn't have been the end... it didn't feel like an end at all. Yet, I haven't heard from you at all. I remember the look you had in your eyes when you saw me in your Uncle's garage. The hug, the fact that you didn't want to let me go or get very far from you... the kiss. None of that was empty, none of that was fake. Yet what changed?
You've always known how to make me laugh when I wanted to be so mad at you. You are the one that was such a support to me when I struggled so much. You prayed for me when you knew that was the last thing on my mind. You always appreciated me for me, and saw the little things that made me happy. Why is it that you can say that you've missed me so much and that everything comes back to me for you, yet you are so far away?
I miss our conversations. I miss hearing your stories about work or basketball. I miss your golf stories, and hearing about your clubs taking flying lessons that day or you having a good day on the course or whatever it may be. I miss us, and how happy you made me. It was pure, and it was real. There are so many memories that I have of us from the days at AC, trips to Memphis/Ohio, and seeing you in Utah, Lufkin, and Flower Mound. Each memory is good. I honestly don't remember anything bad between us.
So many times have I prayed to have these feelings removed. So many times have I tried to just forget you and to stop caring about you. However, it seems like all I do is want you more and more and continue to love you every day. I don't know what to do, but I know that I can't be in any type of relationship until I am able to let you go as it wouldn't be fair.
Still Going Through
-Phil Stacey
What happened to Mr.[Ms.] Right
What went wrong the other night
When you called me
Oh, why did you call me
To talk about the good old days
And take a walk down memory lane
Catch up on life
Oh, since the day we died
Girl[Boy], I don't know about you
As for me, I'm still going through
[Chorus]Every kiss, nights like this
The way you looked in the light
Of that lonely moon
Looking down on us from that southern sky
Every word that fell from your lips
Baby, I miss everything
And I have no clue how you got over
What I'm still going through
What more could you have to say
You said it all when you walked away
And just left me here
Yeah, you made it clear
I don't know what I'm doing wrong
I don't know why I can't move on
And just let this go
Girl[Boy], would you let me know
What it is I have to do
To keep from going through
[Repeat Chorus]
The bright light at the end of the tunnel
Sure is fading fast
'Cause I just can't get past
Every kiss, nights like this
The way you looked in the light
Of that lonely moon
Looking down on us from that southern sky
Every word and every kiss,nights like this
The way you looked in the light
Of that lonely moon
Looking down on us from that southern sky
Every word that fell from your lips
Baby, I miss everything
And I have no clue how you got over
I have no clue how you got over
What I'm still going through
What I'm still going through
I'm really not understanding why I want to turn to you so much, and why my heart is having such a hard time letting you go.
I was the one to end our relationship, not you. I shouldn't be the one having such a hard time with this. It ended because we both needed to grow up, and there were things that I needed to do that I could only do single. Now, I don't want to do anything without you.
We used to talk so much; you always wanted to know what was happening in my life, but yet something changed. The last time I saw you couldn't have been the end... it didn't feel like an end at all. Yet, I haven't heard from you at all. I remember the look you had in your eyes when you saw me in your Uncle's garage. The hug, the fact that you didn't want to let me go or get very far from you... the kiss. None of that was empty, none of that was fake. Yet what changed?
You've always known how to make me laugh when I wanted to be so mad at you. You are the one that was such a support to me when I struggled so much. You prayed for me when you knew that was the last thing on my mind. You always appreciated me for me, and saw the little things that made me happy. Why is it that you can say that you've missed me so much and that everything comes back to me for you, yet you are so far away?
I miss our conversations. I miss hearing your stories about work or basketball. I miss your golf stories, and hearing about your clubs taking flying lessons that day or you having a good day on the course or whatever it may be. I miss us, and how happy you made me. It was pure, and it was real. There are so many memories that I have of us from the days at AC, trips to Memphis/Ohio, and seeing you in Utah, Lufkin, and Flower Mound. Each memory is good. I honestly don't remember anything bad between us.
So many times have I prayed to have these feelings removed. So many times have I tried to just forget you and to stop caring about you. However, it seems like all I do is want you more and more and continue to love you every day. I don't know what to do, but I know that I can't be in any type of relationship until I am able to let you go as it wouldn't be fair.
Still Going Through
-Phil Stacey
What happened to Mr.[Ms.] Right
What went wrong the other night
When you called me
Oh, why did you call me
To talk about the good old days
And take a walk down memory lane
Catch up on life
Oh, since the day we died
Girl[Boy], I don't know about you
As for me, I'm still going through
[Chorus]Every kiss, nights like this
The way you looked in the light
Of that lonely moon
Looking down on us from that southern sky
Every word that fell from your lips
Baby, I miss everything
And I have no clue how you got over
What I'm still going through
What more could you have to say
You said it all when you walked away
And just left me here
Yeah, you made it clear
I don't know what I'm doing wrong
I don't know why I can't move on
And just let this go
Girl[Boy], would you let me know
What it is I have to do
To keep from going through
[Repeat Chorus]
The bright light at the end of the tunnel
Sure is fading fast
'Cause I just can't get past
Every kiss, nights like this
The way you looked in the light
Of that lonely moon
Looking down on us from that southern sky
Every word and every kiss,nights like this
The way you looked in the light
Of that lonely moon
Looking down on us from that southern sky
Every word that fell from your lips
Baby, I miss everything
And I have no clue how you got over
I have no clue how you got over
What I'm still going through
What I'm still going through
Petsen$e
Work... that is such a challenge sometimes. Right now I'm the Assistant Manager for Petsen$e, Inc. but that won't be for too much longer. We are waiting to see if this guy is going to accept the offer or not. My last day as the official assistant manager is going to be August 31, and that is becoming way too real for me.
The day that my District Manager came down to interview some candidates for the Assistant Manager position, I was at work watching them go in and out of the office. I became very quiet and not sure of what was happening. It was at that moment that it felt real that I was about to change so much in my life - that I was about to go in a different direction. The fears that I've had before about struggles with money and such started to come back. I'm really not sure how I'm going to make everything happen.
There are still many things that are still up in the air; however, I do know that I can have 28 hours a week beginning September 1st. Is that going to be enough? I really don't know. I do know that I don't want to look for another job because we all know that that isn't fun at all! Guess I'll figure out what I'm going to do in the next couple of weeks as I'm going to make plans after my trip to Utah.
The day that my District Manager came down to interview some candidates for the Assistant Manager position, I was at work watching them go in and out of the office. I became very quiet and not sure of what was happening. It was at that moment that it felt real that I was about to change so much in my life - that I was about to go in a different direction. The fears that I've had before about struggles with money and such started to come back. I'm really not sure how I'm going to make everything happen.
There are still many things that are still up in the air; however, I do know that I can have 28 hours a week beginning September 1st. Is that going to be enough? I really don't know. I do know that I don't want to look for another job because we all know that that isn't fun at all! Guess I'll figure out what I'm going to do in the next couple of weeks as I'm going to make plans after my trip to Utah.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Life Isn't that Bad, but Why Does It Feel that Way
I know that life isn't as hard as it seems, and it's really not that bad; however, it feels like it's the worst thing ever. So many things seem to either be going wrong, or just not making sense to me. And if my life isn't the only thing I have to worry or think about, but I have friends who come to me with everything going on with them. I'm grateful that they are able to trust me so much, but at the same time, who do I have to go to about things. I don't really have that friend to just run to about my life. I'm the rock that everyone relies on to be strong and sturdy all the time.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
1st Blog... Not Sure
I'm not really sure what all I'm going to say in these blogs, but I know that it'll help me out. It's always good to get things out.
Right now, I'm trying to figure out so many things in my life and remain strong through my trials. Trials with work, relationships, callings, and just life in general. At this moment, I don't really have much to say or feel open to type, but I will.
Right now, I'm trying to figure out so many things in my life and remain strong through my trials. Trials with work, relationships, callings, and just life in general. At this moment, I don't really have much to say or feel open to type, but I will.
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