Giving Up

I know some will read this, and worry. Others will read it, and think then not care. Some may just not care at all. Either way, it really doesn't matter to me. I'm not writing this for everyone else as I never started this blog so much for everyone else. It's my way of getting things out, and if someone cares to read, then that's fine with me.

The past little while I have really been wanting to just give up. On what... EVERYTHING. It's a hassle to get up in the mornings as I never want to get up. I keep hoping for a break, a day off from life, and it just never comes. It is always one thing after the other. I know it is wrong of me to want a break, but right now, my body is just on overload. I'm going through all the motions, yet I don't seem to really enjoy them too much. I wear a mask almost 24/7, and I hate that. I want to be me, but I guess I'm not 100% sure of who "me" is.

Have you ever wanted to just stop something that you know you shouldn't stop or to just see if anyone would really care? Well... part of me is certainly going through those feelings right now, but also, I always thought that I would find happiness being LDS. Yet, I look back over the years, and it seems like I hurt more often than not. Maybe it's because I expect so much out of myself, and I know others do the same. Maybe it's just because I'm having a hard time in a family ward as a YSA. I'm really not sure what all is happening, but I don't like it. Sundays are some of the hardest days for me, and yet, they used to be my favorite days of the weeks. It is always filled and never a day of rest. So many times I just don't want to show up, but how can you do that when you are teaching every Sunday, usually conducting the music, leading YSA FHE, and doing anything else you are asked to do. I can't ever not go. Yet, I really don't have anyone I can turn to that I feel safe with... that one person who I know would just hold me and let me cry if needed. I want to feel how I felt on November 7th again!!! I was happy, truly happy! I felt safe!

But for now, I just feel like giving up, but how can you give up when you also can't handle letting others down. My life is so busy that I would let too many people down if I just gave up. BUT - how do I take care of me? What can I do for me to make things happier? Until I figure out, I guess I will just keep wearing that mask.