Constant Poking

Have you ever had those moments where you are just constantly feeling like this poking or pushing? No matter what you do, it doesn't go away. And you know what it is, but yet, it doesn't feel like it's the right timing through prayer. However, you still have that poking and it just keeps getting stronger and stronger.

Well... I've been having that poking since I was about to turn 21. I'm 26 now, and the poking is still there and getting stronger. I'm making plans, and it's so very possible that the plans will happen.

I will graduate with my 2nd Bachelor's degree in May 2010. My degree will be a BS in Child and Family Development and my minor is in Deaf and Hard Hearing. However, I do not plan on walking the stage for this degree as I will be in Australia on a study abroad trip!

I then hope to graduate and walk in May 2011 with my Master's degree in Child and Family Development. I actually think it's Human Sciences with an emphasis in CFD, but either way, that's my degree/field. :-) It's important to me to walk for this degree as I really want to be hooded.

Now... for the poking part... I will have mission papers in and maybe even a call by the time I walk the stage. I will take an 18 month break from school and teaching within the field of CFD to pursue a different form of education and teaching. Yes, I will be 28 years old when I do this, but why not. Kristen M. Oaks served at 26 in Japan, and what a wonderful, wonderful woman she is!! She was almost 53 years old when she married, and what an amazing life she has lived! If she can do it, I can too!

I really keep getting this feeling that I need to serve, and it's a feeling I can't ignore. Now, I will prepare myself and do all I can to make sure that I am ready to serve.

Although I complain about things in my life - be it stress, weight, whatever - I know that I am a very blessed daughter of God. I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and it's unshakeable. There are things I need to do... to improve... but it takes time. Recognition is the first step. :-)

Little Time

In the little bit of time I have before I'm off and running again, I'm hoping to just get things out of my head so that I'll be able to focus tonight on the school stuff I need to do. Right now, I'm just waiting until I head up to the school for an ettiquette dinner, and then I'll spend the 5 hours afterwards in the library again while I finish up this conference packet. Oh - I'm ready for the next three weeks to be over with!!

I feel fat, and that's like the only thing I can think about. I've been thinking about it all day, and it's all I see. My scale is stuck at 155, and I hate it. I hate what I see, and I hate that it is all I'm thinking about today. Which it doesn't help that I'm about to eat like a 5 course meal that's HUGE, and I'm thinking this way.

Now... one thing that most people don't know about me, but that I'm starting to speak more about is the fact that I do suffer from anorexia, but I also suffer slightly from binge eating. Yes, I know they don't go together very well, but what in my life really does?!? haha I don't starve myself completely as I know the importance of eating; I know it is something I have to do. I eat... often times by force, but I eat. However, I don't see myself the way others see me. Also, I know I can be smaller. The scale has been smaller, and the 13 pairs of jeans in my closet tell me that I can be smaller.

I hate it! I hate having this mental disorder, but it's a part of me. I know that several different things have fed it, and some of those things I'm not over, but it's there, and probably there to stay. *sigh*

AND... zits - really?! They are the worst thing ever, and I take care of my face! Grrr

So far, I don't have any types of scholarships or anything listed. It's already giving me access to the academic year of 2009-2010, but it shows no scholarships. I really hope that changes because I don't want to be in debt more than I already am! It's not a good feeling!

Okay - I think that is it for now, but I may have more later. Off to feel even fatter! BLAH!

In a Funk

So last night I got my butt chewed out by a new friend of mine (we've only known each other for a week) and I have to say that I'm glad he did. Not that I enjoy being chewed out for things in my life or how I'm handling things, but I appreciate the care and just the wake up call that I obviously needed.

I've been in a funk all week, and I'm not really sure why. It's not something I like, but something I'm just dealing with and as said today in Relief Society, "it's just a little bump." Either way, this funk has caused me to do a lot of thinking with stress added to it all. I'm thinking a lot about my life and where I am. I'm thinking about being single, and well, I hate thinking about that! BUT, some of this thinking got some direction. My new friend, Beau, finally put something in terms that I needed to hear it. I've been trying to figure things out with Jared and what it all is... well, Beau couldn't have put it any better... "he's a jerk." It's all him, and none of me. Why would I ever even think about being in a relationship with someone like that, no matter what our relationship used to be in the past?! It's the present and future that matters. So although it's not easy, sometimes one just has to say... I'm done. *sigh*.... I'M DONE!!! (Now, I'm going to need people to help me hold to that. :-/)

Now, yes, I have a lot happening in my life and pretty good reason, I think, to be stressed. However, I was reminded today of something in Sacrament Meeting. They were talking about Temples, which is a place I love! I need to get back... ASAP! But the statement was about putting your priorities in order. Are my priorities in order? If not, what am I going to do to get them there. I am always growing, and always learning. I'm not perfect or anywhere close. But I know I want to be the best that I can be. I want to be worthy for my eternal companion (whomever, where ever he may be) that I will be able to be with forever -- be it on this earth or in the life after. More importantly, I want to be worthy to meet my Maker and Savior.

Well, I have been listening to a CD I got at TOFW, and I love this CD. It is Jenny Jordan Frogley's CD, and it's amazing! Very upbeat and just wonderful messages. There are many songs I can relate to in different things, but one that I think fits my life well right now is the one I want to share...

Slow Down

Jenny Jordan Frogley

The sun comes up, and you're looking at another day

No time for breakfast, grab a bite along the way

You're off and runnin'

So much to do, cause time's not standin' still

Another destination, another deal

It keeps you comin'

Maybe in a year or two there will be more time

For long walks and quiet talks, maybe see a sunrise

But as the scenery of life is flyin' by

You may just miss the ride

Slow down - Let your feet touch the ground

Slow down - There's so much to be found

It's alright - It'll all come around

Slow down

Tryin' to keep up cause that's just what we do

Cause more is always better and it looks so good on you

You're on your way now

Filling the minutes with everything life brings

Looking for something and missing everything

Tomorrow for now

It's not about giving up on dreams or desires

Or living with a passion that burns like fire

It's getting to the essence of what really lasts

And what you'll remember when your life is past

Slow down - Let your feet touch the ground

Slow down - There's so much to be found

It's alright - It'll all come around

Slow down

The angels are standing by to breathe truth to your soul

The true joy is in the ordinary, the simple, and the pure

It's alright - It'll all come around

Slow down

Good Timber

This is a poem that I got to read and discuss with my 12-13 year old Sunday School class yesterday. I really like it a lot, and wanted to share.

Good Timber

The tree that never had to fight

For sun and sky and air and light,

But stood out in the open plain

And always got its share of rain,

Never became a forest king

But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil

To gain and farm his patch of soil,

Who never had to win his share

Of sun and sky and light and air,

Never became a manly man

But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees,

The further sky, the greater length,

The more the storm the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth

We find the patriarchs of both.

And they hold counsel with the stars

Whose broken branches show the scars

Of many winds and much of strife.

This is the common law of life.

(Douglas Malloch as quoted in Sterling W. Sill, Making the Most of Yourself [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1971], p. 23)

Tag, I'm it.

Shayda tagged me, and I was like, okay - I'll do it. However, I'm not tagging anyone. :-)

8 Things I am Looking Forward To:
*End of the semester
*Trip to Utah
*NCFR Conference in San Francisco, and hopefully presenting at it
*Study Abroad Trip to Australia
*Graduating with my 2nd Bachelor's degree
*Completing my Masters
*Moving into a new apartment or a house
*My brother getting married

8 Things I Did Yesterday
*Went to class
*Worked for a professor
*Drove to Lufkin
*Checked out a new apartment
*Worked out with Katie
*Watched movies with Katie
*Played with Lexie
*Stayed up really late

8 Things I Wished I Could Do
*Travel
*Read minds
*Sing
*Play the piano
*Get out of debt
*Lose some weight
*Afford my education more
*Still take dance classes

8 Shows I Watch (I'm picking movies)
*Step Up & Step Up 2
*Because I Said So
*Center Stage
*Alvin & the Chipmunks
*Pride & Prejudice
*Hoosiers
*Moulin Rouge!
*Stomp the Yard

Crazy Stuff at SFA

Well today is the 2 year anniversary since the shooting at Virginia Tech. What a hard day that was for VT and students all over the world. We could all imagine, but not completely understand, what VT was going through and how it felt to lose friends and loved ones.

Today at SFA, there have been threats of a shooting. Not just here on campus, but at an apartment, The Grove, that houses MANY SFA students. Signs have said that 10 students should die.

It's a scary thought, but at the same time, I have to say that I'm not worried. I just have this calming peace about myself. Either way, we have to be careful and pray. It's kind of a wake-up call, or at least should be. Are we ready to meet Christ? If not, maybe we should start getting ready. Just a thought. :-)

Besides that... I checked out this "1 bedroom/1 bath" apartment today. It was a studio apartment that was made out of an old garage. Yea... DUMP!! I was sad because it's close to campus, and right next door to a CUTE family in my Ward. Oh well... the search continues. *sigh*

Near Miss

Today as I was driving back to Lufkin, as I've been staying with my parents all weekend, I experienced a very close near miss. My thoughts were certainly not on my driving, but on the lesson given in Relief Society.

I was thinking about a comment I made - how I need to improve by not comparing myself to others. Often times, I compare my life to those around me who are my age with children and careers. I can point out all these things that they have - that I wished I had in my life. As I was thinking of all these different things that I wish I had in my life, I took a thought back to all the wonderful blessings I have in my life.

My life is truly blessed, and has been blessed for the past 26 years. So while I was thinking of those blessings, I started to see a deer dashing across 59N heading across the median to 59S. UH OH! Out of reaction, I swerve into the right lane some and then back to the left. In my rearview mirror, I see this beautiful deer jumping. Seriously, it had to be pretty close to me. Luckily there was a gap between my car and the cars behind me. But yes - I almost had a deer in the back of my car. Wow - another blessing to add to my list today!

As I sit here trying to motivate myself to do school work and get myself ready for the rest of the semester, I find myself thinking about so many different things. I can't focus, so I decided to just write out my thoughts here.

1) Am I really that crappy of a friend?
2) I want to get married, but I don't think I'm anywhere near ready for that.
3) When I talk to him, I feel more pressure and like I'm just another girl instead of someone truly special. I feel it is a trap, and not honesty.
4) I'm really not sure what I'm doing with my life, but I keep moving forward.
5) I feel REALLY far behind in my life compared to those around me at my age.
6) My dad says he is proud of me, and yet, I don't see how he could be.
7) I wish I could understand why I've done the things I've done in my life, and understand why I am where I am.

Mary Kay

We all love the product, but sometimes, we don't love the cost. Well... I was a consultant at one time, but was not able to devote the time to it as I wanted. With that said, I became inactive and now have a "sitting inventory" as I like to call it. It's taking up space in my apartment, and not doing me any good. SO... if any of you use Mary Kay or like the product, but only get it when a consultant is having a sale, this is the time to get it!! You will help me out in paying for school and getting some space back. :-)

You will pay my cost... tax free!! All I'm looking at is getting back what I can from what I put into it. Please let me know if there is anything that you would like, and I'll see if I have it. If not, I may be able to suggest something different that is similar or better. Either way... please, please help me out!! You can let me know on here or e-mail me at aljones321@gmail.com

THANK YOU!!!!

Be of Good Cheer

It has been awhile since I've written, so I figured I would take the next few minutes I have before heading back to the Church for the last session of General Conference to share a few thoughts.

This General Conference has been wonderful (not like they aren't always amazing), but the general theme this conference has very much been "be of good cheer." It is something I need to do more of, and I hope I can be of good cheer more in my life. And as I type this, I am thinking of the many stressors and struggles and hard times I have in my life currently or coming up. However, I'm going to change my attitude about how I approach it all. I have been truly blessed by the Lord, and I know that isn't going to stop. It never has stopped!!

I've been struggling a lot lately, and wanted to do nothing but hide. I was starting to turn to things that were not very good, and wondering if that was the direction I wanted to go. Oh how the Lord knows me and uses those around me to lift me back up and open my eyes. The following are just parts of some statements some friends had said to me that I needed more than anything.

"Angela I think you are really an awesome person and I am attracted to how you handle life; how you have a very caring and loving nature about you. The light of Christ shows through you in positive ways. You have many great great qualities and attributes that I love."

"Angela, every girl wants to feel needed and special. I think you are special to at the very least, me."

Another friend had told me how I had been an example to her and a great friend. I wish I still had that statement, but I went "delete" happy and happened to delete that message. :-( Either way, what an uplifting moment to have people say those things about you. It was something I needed to hear as I often don't feel that strength. I know that they aren't the only ones who have said some things to me here recently, but those were some statements that helped me turn myself back around again.

I'm going to go through this life with a smile on my face, and enjoy it. No, it's not going to be easy at all. Right now, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to be able to take care of some things that I really need to take care of, but it'll work out! I have the faith and hope that it will. With Christ on my side, EVERYTHING is so very possible!!!