I could see princes and princesses.
I could feel like I was on a cloud.
A teacher I was, even to a teddy bear and hound.
Colors were vibrant.
Music could heal.
Dancing took me places that I could only feel.
I was strong.
I was brave.
Life never made sense, but I didn't cave.
A mother I was.
An even better wife I could see.
There was no one he would want besides me.
To dream again...
To feel anything was possible.
To believe in hope and the future.
What I wouldn't give to dream again.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Do you ever...
Just feel lost? I know we all go through moments where things just don't seem together or that we are confused. There are those moments that you are just really trying to figure out what's happening.
Here lately, I have felt lost. I have felt lost in work as I have once again changed jobs. Oh how I hate changing jobs and feeling like I can't find that fit. I have felt lost at home in just trying to figure out what I need to do or want to do to the house and as a wife. I'm a horrible cook, and just feel like I don't know what to do. I feel like I lost the genes on how to be a wife. I have felt lost with Church. I have felt lost with myself.
The last two are probably the things that have just bothered me the most. It's almost as I just can't seem to find any type of answer or reason. I received a priesthood blessing which I truly believed in, and then what was stated didn't happen. I was promised I would have a clear mind, and my mind couldn't focus at all. I felt so all over the place and not together. It shook me up greatly. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out really what is real, and what isn't. I have been hoping for some type of answer to come.
I feel as if I have lost myself. I'm not the person I used to be, but was the person I used to be really me. I honestly am not sure; hence why I feel lost. There have been a few different changes going on and will be going on for me, and Brandon asked me the other day, "are you depressed?" I said I'm not, but maybe I am. Or maybe it's just because I feel lost that I'm trying to just control the few things I can control without any worry.
The feeling of being lost is one I really don't enjoy. I know there are things that I can do to be better, but sometimes I just wonder why it feels so much harder for me.
Here lately, I have felt lost. I have felt lost in work as I have once again changed jobs. Oh how I hate changing jobs and feeling like I can't find that fit. I have felt lost at home in just trying to figure out what I need to do or want to do to the house and as a wife. I'm a horrible cook, and just feel like I don't know what to do. I feel like I lost the genes on how to be a wife. I have felt lost with Church. I have felt lost with myself.
The last two are probably the things that have just bothered me the most. It's almost as I just can't seem to find any type of answer or reason. I received a priesthood blessing which I truly believed in, and then what was stated didn't happen. I was promised I would have a clear mind, and my mind couldn't focus at all. I felt so all over the place and not together. It shook me up greatly. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out really what is real, and what isn't. I have been hoping for some type of answer to come.
I feel as if I have lost myself. I'm not the person I used to be, but was the person I used to be really me. I honestly am not sure; hence why I feel lost. There have been a few different changes going on and will be going on for me, and Brandon asked me the other day, "are you depressed?" I said I'm not, but maybe I am. Or maybe it's just because I feel lost that I'm trying to just control the few things I can control without any worry.
The feeling of being lost is one I really don't enjoy. I know there are things that I can do to be better, but sometimes I just wonder why it feels so much harder for me.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Day 30: One Last Moment
To end these 30 days of posts (kind of, sort of) with a moment is interesting; however, today was a great moment. Thursday I went to take my General Lines P&C Insurance test. I thought I knew the material; however, I was wrong. I missed passing by two questions. It was very frustrating. There are many other thoughts and such that go along with that one, but not my last moment.
Today, I arose at 4:15am after very little sleep, meaning about 3 1/2 hours. It was hard, but I had to leave by 8am. The roads were dark, and very few people were out. That is until they flood out of their homes and onto the streets to head off to work on a Monday morning.
I get to my testing site with just a few minutes to spare, and get checked in. After going through the whole process of showing empty pockets and such, I'm off to take this 150 question test. Parts seemed much easier and otherss were just confusing as always. It came to that last button to push, and I was very nervous. Then there it was... I passed! I was super excited that I passed and made it through. That is my last moment. :)
Today, I arose at 4:15am after very little sleep, meaning about 3 1/2 hours. It was hard, but I had to leave by 8am. The roads were dark, and very few people were out. That is until they flood out of their homes and onto the streets to head off to work on a Monday morning.
I get to my testing site with just a few minutes to spare, and get checked in. After going through the whole process of showing empty pockets and such, I'm off to take this 150 question test. Parts seemed much easier and otherss were just confusing as always. It came to that last button to push, and I was very nervous. Then there it was... I passed! I was super excited that I passed and made it through. That is my last moment. :)
Day 29: My Aspirations... My Desires
So to start off, I do not have the best of vocabulary. Sorry, I'm a simple person, and so yes, I had to look up "aspiration". The part that pertains is having a strong desire. I think of "what do you aspire to be" when I think of aspiration. It really does go together.
Truth, I don't know what I aspire to be. I'm not sure what I have a strong desire about in my life to achieve. I used to think I knew it all, and I knew exactly what I wanted in my life. I had goals and dreams. I knew where I was, and I had a pretty good idea where I was going. Unfortunately, in the past year or so, that hasn't been the case.
It's hard to think that maybe I don't have dreams right now, but so much of me is just trying to make it through reality. It hasn't been easy. Reality has certainly taken over my life in every way to where I just don't know what I want or dream.
Truth, I don't know what I aspire to be. I'm not sure what I have a strong desire about in my life to achieve. I used to think I knew it all, and I knew exactly what I wanted in my life. I had goals and dreams. I knew where I was, and I had a pretty good idea where I was going. Unfortunately, in the past year or so, that hasn't been the case.
It's hard to think that maybe I don't have dreams right now, but so much of me is just trying to make it through reality. It hasn't been easy. Reality has certainly taken over my life in every way to where I just don't know what I want or dream.
Day 28: Something I Miss
Probably more than anything, I miss dancing! I miss the way it made me felt. I miss the way that everything just seemed to be okay after I spent an hour or so in the studio. I miss the friendships that were cherished and thrived. I miss the flexibility and strength I had. I miss the attention. I miss the costumes. I miss the sweat and pain. Dancing was everything to me; it was my life.
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