Afraid

Why does it seem like I'm more afraid to say what I really feel? Why do I hold back so much? Sometimes I think it's because I felt so judged before; however, that's just an excuse. I have no true reason to be afraid except for the only reason anyone is afraid... fear of rejection or being hurt.

I want friendships and a relationship... I want so much; however, I'm starting to feel that it's okay to sacrifice things for that. Oh man... not good!! To be a leader is sometimes to stand alone... I can't be afraid of that! Sometimes one must sacrifice things they want for things that are right. I need to be stronger! I need to be that leader!

Today, an investigator decided to take out a friend for lunch as it's her birthday. Very sweet jester! However, when she asked me if I wanted to go, all I could say was I don't know - maybe. When in the back of my mind, I wanted to say heck no - it's Sunday! Others who are members went, and the birthday girl didn't even turn it down. Lucky me - I have a guilty conscience. The Elder's stopped me afterwards to ask me a question, and I didn't go to the lunch. The investigator texted me to see if I was meeting them there, and I just said that somethings happening right now so no. I feel horrible right now because I couldn't just say "hey - lets do it on another day that's not Sunday" or just say no right off the bat. I feel horrible that I would even think about going, and thought it would be fun to be with them... it's Sunday! It's a day that is supposed to be spent with the Lord and "resting" from the every day life.

Now, I feel impressed to write this investigator a message on my thoughts and feelings, and why I didn't join up with them today. Not easy, but certainly a learning experience for me and her. Oh... I need to fix myself!