Never Knew

I never knew being back in Texas was going to be as hard as it is on me. I never knew that I would feel as alone as I do. Unfortunately, I am reminded why I went inactive... besides not having a very strong testimony. The people who treated me the best were non-members. No, the actions weren't always the best, but I can promise you that they would miss me if I wasn't around or that they would call to see how I was. They had no set expectations for me except for me to be me. Something I was able to do.

Some of the people I'm starting to get closest to here in Nacogdoches aren't members. They are the ones that I would rather spend time with over anyone else. Well... I guess that's not 100% true as I wish I could be back in Utah!!

So many say that Utah is such a horrible place, and that they don't like it there... I loved it! The people are amazing! I had some of the best friends when I was in Utah. They appreciated me for me, and noticed if I wasn't around. Let me tell you... people here don't notice if I'm around or not, so why do I even bother?! Heck, why do I even let it bother me?!

I'm here to get my degree, and then I'm getting out. At least I hope! People don't look for me at Church, they don't look for me at activities and if I don't show up, call to see if I'm coming, and they certainly don't talk to me. So yea... why do I even bother?!?!

I bother because I know I need to be there. I bother because of the covenants I made with Heavenly Father. I bother because it's not about what I receive from others, but it's about what I can give for others. Guess it's just wearing me down because I'm tired of thinking so much. I'm tired of caring what others think of me and wondering who I can go to about things. I know who I can go to... the Lord!!! That's where I should go, anyways. Who cares if I don't really have a lot of friends to hang out with or do whatever with?! Who cares if i don't date?! I mean really... does it matter that much....

Of course it does, and that's why it matters so much to me! BLAH!

I never knew it was going to be this hard.