I never knew being back in Texas was going to be as hard as it is on me. I never knew that I would feel as alone as I do. Unfortunately, I am reminded why I went inactive... besides not having a very strong testimony. The people who treated me the best were non-members. No, the actions weren't always the best, but I can promise you that they would miss me if I wasn't around or that they would call to see how I was. They had no set expectations for me except for me to be me. Something I was able to do.
Some of the people I'm starting to get closest to here in Nacogdoches aren't members. They are the ones that I would rather spend time with over anyone else. Well... I guess that's not 100% true as I wish I could be back in Utah!!
So many say that Utah is such a horrible place, and that they don't like it there... I loved it! The people are amazing! I had some of the best friends when I was in Utah. They appreciated me for me, and noticed if I wasn't around. Let me tell you... people here don't notice if I'm around or not, so why do I even bother?! Heck, why do I even let it bother me?!
I'm here to get my degree, and then I'm getting out. At least I hope! People don't look for me at Church, they don't look for me at activities and if I don't show up, call to see if I'm coming, and they certainly don't talk to me. So yea... why do I even bother?!?!
I bother because I know I need to be there. I bother because of the covenants I made with Heavenly Father. I bother because it's not about what I receive from others, but it's about what I can give for others. Guess it's just wearing me down because I'm tired of thinking so much. I'm tired of caring what others think of me and wondering who I can go to about things. I know who I can go to... the Lord!!! That's where I should go, anyways. Who cares if I don't really have a lot of friends to hang out with or do whatever with?! Who cares if i don't date?! I mean really... does it matter that much....
Of course it does, and that's why it matters so much to me! BLAH!
I never knew it was going to be this hard.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
A Really Good Day!!
Today was a really good day, and that makes me really happy!!!
I spent the morning getting different things together and doing some cleaning. Then I talked with Abby a little bit, and that was good to hear from her. I've missed hanging out with her. My mom came over from Lufkin, and we went out to eat at Nijiya Sushi Bar & Grill. It was really good, but oh my, the prices for dinner is expensive. Think I'll just stick to the lunches!! Afterwards, we went to Maurices, and got my mom some cute clothes. :-) I got a shirt and a vest jacket.
Starting at 3:30pm, I was in a meeting and spent the rest of the evening in meetings. After getting my book back that I had left in lab, I went to my Family & Child Development Club. I'm the new VP!! I'm super excited about that. It's going to be fun, and I'm going to go to Little Rock for a conference in November! YAY! Then I had a Risk Management Training meeting for all officers which was common sense, but it works. At 6:30pm, I met up with the Elders to help teach a lesson and then we had another one just after 8pm. I feel it was a good and productive night.
I get home finally, and find an e-mail from someone I met when I was visiting Utah. We've been e-mailing pretty much every day, and I've loved it! It's one thing I look forward to every day. Kind of cool!!
So yea... just a really great day!!! YAY! :-)
I spent the morning getting different things together and doing some cleaning. Then I talked with Abby a little bit, and that was good to hear from her. I've missed hanging out with her. My mom came over from Lufkin, and we went out to eat at Nijiya Sushi Bar & Grill. It was really good, but oh my, the prices for dinner is expensive. Think I'll just stick to the lunches!! Afterwards, we went to Maurices, and got my mom some cute clothes. :-) I got a shirt and a vest jacket.
Starting at 3:30pm, I was in a meeting and spent the rest of the evening in meetings. After getting my book back that I had left in lab, I went to my Family & Child Development Club. I'm the new VP!! I'm super excited about that. It's going to be fun, and I'm going to go to Little Rock for a conference in November! YAY! Then I had a Risk Management Training meeting for all officers which was common sense, but it works. At 6:30pm, I met up with the Elders to help teach a lesson and then we had another one just after 8pm. I feel it was a good and productive night.
I get home finally, and find an e-mail from someone I met when I was visiting Utah. We've been e-mailing pretty much every day, and I've loved it! It's one thing I look forward to every day. Kind of cool!!
So yea... just a really great day!!! YAY! :-)
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Spreading Thin
There are so many things that I want to do; however, I'm starting to feel like I'm getting spread a little too thin. For the past couple of weeks, I've been trying to focus more on the YSA and making sure that things are happening. This is great; however, I can't do it as much as I am. Right now, I have so many things happening in my life and I'm getting behind in things. In the past few weeks, I've also tried to focus on myself some. Not just on me, but really trying to understand my life and my feelings. I CAN'T DO THIS! I get so caught up that I just forget other things.
So... I have a goal, and I have to make it work. No ands, ifs, or buts about it!
What I want to do is this:
*Date
*Activities
*Friends/Families - hang out
*Serve everyone possible
*Teach the gospel to all who will listen
What I need to do:
*School, school, and school!
*Work
*Callings, but not to where it takes over my life
So... who cares if I'm single?! I'm just letting go of those feelings. They are going to the back burner, and I don't know when I'll bring them forward again.
Activities... other people are going to have to do things too. Plan for the whole month, and then just let others help out to make it happen. If it doesn't, then who cares! I can't stress about it so much.
I just... I have so many things to do and that I want to do. Now, I have to put things in order and make what's important happen. Because right now, I'm tired and just want to stop. I can't!!
So... I have a goal, and I have to make it work. No ands, ifs, or buts about it!
What I want to do is this:
*Date
*Activities
*Friends/Families - hang out
*Serve everyone possible
*Teach the gospel to all who will listen
What I need to do:
*School, school, and school!
*Work
*Callings, but not to where it takes over my life
So... who cares if I'm single?! I'm just letting go of those feelings. They are going to the back burner, and I don't know when I'll bring them forward again.
Activities... other people are going to have to do things too. Plan for the whole month, and then just let others help out to make it happen. If it doesn't, then who cares! I can't stress about it so much.
I just... I have so many things to do and that I want to do. Now, I have to put things in order and make what's important happen. Because right now, I'm tired and just want to stop. I can't!!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Wants, But Unworthy
I feel so unworthy for the things I want so much... to date, to be important to the people around me, to set an example that others want to follow, and to be a true disciple of Christ.
Dating... No, there aren't a lot of options here in Nacogdoches, TX or really around me, but there are a few. However, I don't feel that I'm pretty enough, or strong enough in the gospel. I feel that I always say the wrong things at the wrong time, or just don't say anything. I try to not care about it so much, but that's hard when you know the importance of dating and finding at eternal companion. When it's the one thing people are always asking you about or trying to push.
Importance... I really don't know if people would recognize if I wasn't around. There might be a few, but overall, I really just don't know if I'm that important to anyone. A lot of the times I just feel that I'm being used because people know that I'll do anything I can to help out. I have a VERY hard time saying no, and honestly, it's so rare that I say no that I don't remember the last time I said it.
Example... Disciple of Christ... These go together as the Savior was the greatest example, and to be a disciple of Christ is to follow His example and make it a part of your life. I'm not perfect, and I know that I won't be perfect here on Earth. However, there are so many more things that I could and should do in my life. I want to be that light people are wanting to have in their life. I want to be someone that is able to put aside my own cares and concerns for others. I can think of all the things that I don't do, and can barely think of anything I do right.
Maybe I'm just being really hard on myself, but it's how I feel right now. OH... Jared called me for the first time in 6 months!!
Dating... No, there aren't a lot of options here in Nacogdoches, TX or really around me, but there are a few. However, I don't feel that I'm pretty enough, or strong enough in the gospel. I feel that I always say the wrong things at the wrong time, or just don't say anything. I try to not care about it so much, but that's hard when you know the importance of dating and finding at eternal companion. When it's the one thing people are always asking you about or trying to push.
Importance... I really don't know if people would recognize if I wasn't around. There might be a few, but overall, I really just don't know if I'm that important to anyone. A lot of the times I just feel that I'm being used because people know that I'll do anything I can to help out. I have a VERY hard time saying no, and honestly, it's so rare that I say no that I don't remember the last time I said it.
Example... Disciple of Christ... These go together as the Savior was the greatest example, and to be a disciple of Christ is to follow His example and make it a part of your life. I'm not perfect, and I know that I won't be perfect here on Earth. However, there are so many more things that I could and should do in my life. I want to be that light people are wanting to have in their life. I want to be someone that is able to put aside my own cares and concerns for others. I can think of all the things that I don't do, and can barely think of anything I do right.
Maybe I'm just being really hard on myself, but it's how I feel right now. OH... Jared called me for the first time in 6 months!!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Past Weekend
I had so much fun this weekend. It was long and very busy, but so much fun!
Friday was spent at work. I have two jobs now, and I was working both of them on Friday. Makes for a really long day, but at the same time, I'm okay with that because it's good money and won't always be that way.
Saturday, I spent the morning getting things together, shopping in Lufkin, and then headed up to Longview. Went to bowl with some friends for a Tri-Stake Activity and ultimate frisbee. That is such a fun game, but can certainly wear you out! I love it!!
Sunday was a really nice day. Spent it doing what I enjoy... Church! Went to my meetings, and that was fun. I got to actually go to Sunday School and Relief Society. It was really needed! Then FHE... oh my gosh, we had so much fun! I love being with friends, and laughing!
It was just a REALLy good weekend!
OH... found out that the guy I have a crush on now knows. A friend of ours ended up telling him that I like him. Not too sure how this is going to turn out, but I guess we'll just see. Hoping for the best, but at the same time, I need to just learn to CHILL OUT and not think so much! Yea... I think WAY too much. :-)
Friday was spent at work. I have two jobs now, and I was working both of them on Friday. Makes for a really long day, but at the same time, I'm okay with that because it's good money and won't always be that way.
Saturday, I spent the morning getting things together, shopping in Lufkin, and then headed up to Longview. Went to bowl with some friends for a Tri-Stake Activity and ultimate frisbee. That is such a fun game, but can certainly wear you out! I love it!!
Sunday was a really nice day. Spent it doing what I enjoy... Church! Went to my meetings, and that was fun. I got to actually go to Sunday School and Relief Society. It was really needed! Then FHE... oh my gosh, we had so much fun! I love being with friends, and laughing!
It was just a REALLy good weekend!
OH... found out that the guy I have a crush on now knows. A friend of ours ended up telling him that I like him. Not too sure how this is going to turn out, but I guess we'll just see. Hoping for the best, but at the same time, I need to just learn to CHILL OUT and not think so much! Yea... I think WAY too much. :-)
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Guys Confuse Me
So... I've never really understood guys, but they are confusing me even more right now. Why is it that a guy tells you that he likes you, that you're cute, or that they had a crush on you AFTER you move away? Why not tell you when you are around and could maybe make something happen?
The night before I left to head back to Texas after my visit to Utah, I had a guy tell me that he liked me. This is a guy who I did like when I was in Utah; yet, we were always just friends and I was a support system for him. Last night, I had this other guy who I thought was cute, tell me that he used to go by a co-workers desk because she worked by me and he had a crush on me.
Seriously, I'm confused by this. And I don't even want to go into having a guy act so sad to see me leave and want me around so much; yet, is crazy about someone else.
I'm the type of person that just likes for people to say how it is. Yea, I have a crush on this guy right now and no he doesn't know. Right now, I'm not in the mood to make a fool of myself, but maybe that's why I'm just now learning about things from a year and a half ago. Maybe they were afraid of making a fool of themselves too. *sigh* But yea... really liking this guy and not even thinking about Jared. It's amazing!! :-)
One day... that's all I really have to say.
The night before I left to head back to Texas after my visit to Utah, I had a guy tell me that he liked me. This is a guy who I did like when I was in Utah; yet, we were always just friends and I was a support system for him. Last night, I had this other guy who I thought was cute, tell me that he used to go by a co-workers desk because she worked by me and he had a crush on me.
Seriously, I'm confused by this. And I don't even want to go into having a guy act so sad to see me leave and want me around so much; yet, is crazy about someone else.
I'm the type of person that just likes for people to say how it is. Yea, I have a crush on this guy right now and no he doesn't know. Right now, I'm not in the mood to make a fool of myself, but maybe that's why I'm just now learning about things from a year and a half ago. Maybe they were afraid of making a fool of themselves too. *sigh* But yea... really liking this guy and not even thinking about Jared. It's amazing!! :-)
One day... that's all I really have to say.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Utah...
... what a great place!!
I got back from Utah almost a week ago, and it's been a really long, yet short, week. It was so nice to be able to go back and spend time with some very dear friends. I was able to go on some dates that were causal things. No, I didn't see everyone that I wanted to see, but I guess that just means that I need to go back. :-)
It was nice to have a break, and to enjoy the outdoors. I spent a day at Bear Lake, and that was amazing!! I spent a good hour at the top of Ensign Peak, and it was just beautiful. The wind was blowing, and it was just peaceful. I was happy... 100% happy. My mind has been going non-stop since I got to Utah, and today, I think it finally started to slow down... maybe a little bit.
I didn't want to leave; I wanted to make Utah my home again. I've been thinking that maybe in 6 months when my lease is up that I would move back and do school out there. I mean - there are many options, and I know it wouldn't be that hard for me to find a place to live and a job to work. However, I got my answer today... maybe not what I want, but what I know is best. Utah isn't for me right now.... Nacogdoches is. I have no clue why! None at all.
Many things could be playing a part in it, but whatever it is, I know that I'm supposed to be here for it. Now... I'm just going to be patient and do what I know is right. It won't be easy -- not even close. But it's the Lord's will, and that's the most important thing.
Utah... I'll get back there one day; I know that very much so. Just today isn't the day.
I got back from Utah almost a week ago, and it's been a really long, yet short, week. It was so nice to be able to go back and spend time with some very dear friends. I was able to go on some dates that were causal things. No, I didn't see everyone that I wanted to see, but I guess that just means that I need to go back. :-)
It was nice to have a break, and to enjoy the outdoors. I spent a day at Bear Lake, and that was amazing!! I spent a good hour at the top of Ensign Peak, and it was just beautiful. The wind was blowing, and it was just peaceful. I was happy... 100% happy. My mind has been going non-stop since I got to Utah, and today, I think it finally started to slow down... maybe a little bit.
I didn't want to leave; I wanted to make Utah my home again. I've been thinking that maybe in 6 months when my lease is up that I would move back and do school out there. I mean - there are many options, and I know it wouldn't be that hard for me to find a place to live and a job to work. However, I got my answer today... maybe not what I want, but what I know is best. Utah isn't for me right now.... Nacogdoches is. I have no clue why! None at all.
Many things could be playing a part in it, but whatever it is, I know that I'm supposed to be here for it. Now... I'm just going to be patient and do what I know is right. It won't be easy -- not even close. But it's the Lord's will, and that's the most important thing.
Utah... I'll get back there one day; I know that very much so. Just today isn't the day.
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