Afraid

Why does it seem like I'm more afraid to say what I really feel? Why do I hold back so much? Sometimes I think it's because I felt so judged before; however, that's just an excuse. I have no true reason to be afraid except for the only reason anyone is afraid... fear of rejection or being hurt.

I want friendships and a relationship... I want so much; however, I'm starting to feel that it's okay to sacrifice things for that. Oh man... not good!! To be a leader is sometimes to stand alone... I can't be afraid of that! Sometimes one must sacrifice things they want for things that are right. I need to be stronger! I need to be that leader!

Today, an investigator decided to take out a friend for lunch as it's her birthday. Very sweet jester! However, when she asked me if I wanted to go, all I could say was I don't know - maybe. When in the back of my mind, I wanted to say heck no - it's Sunday! Others who are members went, and the birthday girl didn't even turn it down. Lucky me - I have a guilty conscience. The Elder's stopped me afterwards to ask me a question, and I didn't go to the lunch. The investigator texted me to see if I was meeting them there, and I just said that somethings happening right now so no. I feel horrible right now because I couldn't just say "hey - lets do it on another day that's not Sunday" or just say no right off the bat. I feel horrible that I would even think about going, and thought it would be fun to be with them... it's Sunday! It's a day that is supposed to be spent with the Lord and "resting" from the every day life.

Now, I feel impressed to write this investigator a message on my thoughts and feelings, and why I didn't join up with them today. Not easy, but certainly a learning experience for me and her. Oh... I need to fix myself!

Missing

Have you ever been somewhere that you knew you should feel happy, and you didn't? Ever look forward to getting to a place, and once you were there, wishing it was time for you to leave already?

My home... my apartment is like this. I never want to be here, and it's my place of living. My day could be going so very well, and the second I get here, it all changes. I lock myself in my room because my brother is watching trash on TV, or I just have this horrible feeling in my apartment. I don't like it at all!! My room isn't even where I would like it to be as I still feel the rest of the apartment, and it's not happy.

I'm so very ready to live alone again. I'm ready to know that what is happening in my apartment is righteous and pleasing to God. I love my brother; however, I know that living with him is hurting me greatly. I'm not happy anymore in my own living space! It makes me sad!! Only 3 1/2 more months!!!

Speechless

Why is it that every time you come around, I don't know what to say? You make me speechless, and it's rare that that happens. I get so nervous that I'm going to make a fool of myself and say something wrong. I get nervous that I'm going to do something wrong, or that is going to make you look away. How badly I want to be able to just talk to you without fear, but yet, every time... I go speechless.

I want to know you; I want a friendship. It's never been hard for me to talk to a guy and develop that friendship; however, with you it seems impossible. Is it because you are different? Is it because you are better than anyone else I've known that I've been interested in? Is it because you have a lot of the qualities that I want in a companion? I don't know. I don't know why it's so hard to talk to you.

But... why does it seem like it's so hard for you to talk to me? Why does it seem that you will ignore me... even in an empty room? Are you afraid of me? Have I done something wrong? Again... I don't know.

I do know... you leave me speechless!

Fear

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

There is no reason for anyone to have fear as fear is not of God. He does not fear, so why should we fear. Life really is amazing, and it's everything that we want out of it.

Never Knew

I never knew being back in Texas was going to be as hard as it is on me. I never knew that I would feel as alone as I do. Unfortunately, I am reminded why I went inactive... besides not having a very strong testimony. The people who treated me the best were non-members. No, the actions weren't always the best, but I can promise you that they would miss me if I wasn't around or that they would call to see how I was. They had no set expectations for me except for me to be me. Something I was able to do.

Some of the people I'm starting to get closest to here in Nacogdoches aren't members. They are the ones that I would rather spend time with over anyone else. Well... I guess that's not 100% true as I wish I could be back in Utah!!

So many say that Utah is such a horrible place, and that they don't like it there... I loved it! The people are amazing! I had some of the best friends when I was in Utah. They appreciated me for me, and noticed if I wasn't around. Let me tell you... people here don't notice if I'm around or not, so why do I even bother?! Heck, why do I even let it bother me?!

I'm here to get my degree, and then I'm getting out. At least I hope! People don't look for me at Church, they don't look for me at activities and if I don't show up, call to see if I'm coming, and they certainly don't talk to me. So yea... why do I even bother?!?!

I bother because I know I need to be there. I bother because of the covenants I made with Heavenly Father. I bother because it's not about what I receive from others, but it's about what I can give for others. Guess it's just wearing me down because I'm tired of thinking so much. I'm tired of caring what others think of me and wondering who I can go to about things. I know who I can go to... the Lord!!! That's where I should go, anyways. Who cares if I don't really have a lot of friends to hang out with or do whatever with?! Who cares if i don't date?! I mean really... does it matter that much....

Of course it does, and that's why it matters so much to me! BLAH!

I never knew it was going to be this hard.

A Really Good Day!!

Today was a really good day, and that makes me really happy!!!

I spent the morning getting different things together and doing some cleaning. Then I talked with Abby a little bit, and that was good to hear from her. I've missed hanging out with her. My mom came over from Lufkin, and we went out to eat at Nijiya Sushi Bar & Grill. It was really good, but oh my, the prices for dinner is expensive. Think I'll just stick to the lunches!! Afterwards, we went to Maurices, and got my mom some cute clothes. :-) I got a shirt and a vest jacket.

Starting at 3:30pm, I was in a meeting and spent the rest of the evening in meetings. After getting my book back that I had left in lab, I went to my Family & Child Development Club. I'm the new VP!! I'm super excited about that. It's going to be fun, and I'm going to go to Little Rock for a conference in November! YAY! Then I had a Risk Management Training meeting for all officers which was common sense, but it works. At 6:30pm, I met up with the Elders to help teach a lesson and then we had another one just after 8pm. I feel it was a good and productive night.

I get home finally, and find an e-mail from someone I met when I was visiting Utah. We've been e-mailing pretty much every day, and I've loved it! It's one thing I look forward to every day. Kind of cool!!

So yea... just a really great day!!! YAY! :-)

Spreading Thin

There are so many things that I want to do; however, I'm starting to feel like I'm getting spread a little too thin. For the past couple of weeks, I've been trying to focus more on the YSA and making sure that things are happening. This is great; however, I can't do it as much as I am. Right now, I have so many things happening in my life and I'm getting behind in things. In the past few weeks, I've also tried to focus on myself some. Not just on me, but really trying to understand my life and my feelings. I CAN'T DO THIS! I get so caught up that I just forget other things.

So... I have a goal, and I have to make it work. No ands, ifs, or buts about it!

What I want to do is this:

*Date
*Activities
*Friends/Families - hang out
*Serve everyone possible
*Teach the gospel to all who will listen

What I need to do:

*School, school, and school!
*Work
*Callings, but not to where it takes over my life

So... who cares if I'm single?! I'm just letting go of those feelings. They are going to the back burner, and I don't know when I'll bring them forward again.

Activities... other people are going to have to do things too. Plan for the whole month, and then just let others help out to make it happen. If it doesn't, then who cares! I can't stress about it so much.

I just... I have so many things to do and that I want to do. Now, I have to put things in order and make what's important happen. Because right now, I'm tired and just want to stop. I can't!!