This Week

It's been a hard week with just life in general, but also, with the loss of a friend and remembering the death of my Grandfather.

I realized that I was hurt by the loss of Arlene, but more than anything, I hurt for those children. I knew them most, and love them dearly. I'm angry, but I also know that's part of the healing process. I'm angry because she had so much of what I wish I had in my life. I just think of the day that I will be able to hold my little ones (yes, multiple children), and could not imagine anything getting so hard to leave them. Brandon often covers my eyes when there is a child around us or on TV or a movie because he knows it's something I crave so much. My heart longs for the moment that I can be a mother, but at the same time, I am so nervous as Heavenly Father will be entrusting me with one of his choice children.

Life is hard, and there are many days that I struggle, but nothing is truly so bad that we have to end it. In my life, suicide has been a thought of a way out. I wouldn't know how it would happen, but I would just think that it would make things so much easier for EVERYONE. But I think about conversations I have had with people and the feelings they have expressed to me, and I know that it wouldn't make anything easier for anyone. It would really only cause more problems. NOTHING in life is so horrible, and I truly believe that. My life has been filled with many challenges and hardships. I have been told that I hide much of what I'm feeling or thinking very well... sometimes too well. But I know that if I turn to Heavenly Father, I will make it through everything.

11 years ago yesterday, my Grandfather passed away from cancer. I miss him greatly, and often think about how I wish he could see me doing the different things that I am and have. He passed away on what is known as Pioneer Day in the LDS Church. I remember that day so well. It was my first Pioneer Day as I had only gone to Church once (the Sunday prior). It was a fun day as I spent it at Laura S. Walker State Park - out on the lake. It was my first time on the lake and tubing. I was with the Johnson family, Nicole Dixon - Park, Terrel Hood, and I believe Barry Bennett was there too. We had so much fun. As we were getting ready to end the day, my mom called me She wanted someone else to tell me, but I finally got her to tell me that Grandpa Jones had passed away.

I was surrounded by many new friends that brought me so much comfort. They helped bring me peace during the time I needed it most. So much of me thinks back to that time and feels that Heavenly Father took him when he did because his final mission was finally accomplished. The Sunday before, I went to Church and realized it was something I had been looking for all my life. I realized that families could be forever, and death wasn't the end. But also, I have realized that life can end at any moment, and we need to cherish every moment.

I need to be a better wife, a better friend, a better disciple of Christ. I need to do all I can to make sure that when I look back on my life after I die, and that when others reflect back on me, that they will see someone who did all they could. That my life will be one that was appreciated, but one that will be missed. That I will make a difference. But with all of that, I don't need the recognition and honor. Just having the knowledge that I did all I could, and the small signs of appreciation is all that is needed.

My life is complete in so many ways! I have a sweet husband that loves me more than anything, my family has always supported me, and I have great in-laws that accepted me into their fold. I have a job, I have education, and I have the opportunity to serve many people. I have clothes on my back, a roof over my head, and food in my stomach. I have dear friends that will listen when I need an ear, and will accept me for who I am. I have best friends who know me, and worry about me when I don't want anyone to worry or care. I am able to receive the sweetest of hugs from little children, and to know that one day, I will be able to have my own children who will provide those precious moments to me. I have Christ in my life, and although I have not been a faithful servant to Him, He loves me. My life is nothing but amazing!

I have a goal to be more positive, and to recognize the happy moments more. There will always be trials and hard days, but why stress on them. They are not what matter, but make me better! So to those who actually read this, thank you for your friendship and example! Thank you for helping my life be just that much more amazing because you are in it!

Death

I have experienced death in my life, and it's never easy. I have lost three grandparents and other family members. I have lost friends due to illness. This is the first time that I've ever lost a friend due to suicide. I am not sure what happened, but I am in so much shock. It hurts so much to know how wonderful of a person she was, and to know that she is gone.

Arlene had two beautiful children, and was married to a wonderful man. I had the opportunity to babysit for them from time to time when my schedule would allow. I do not know how long this was building up, but it hurts to think that maybe she needed a break, and I could have helped.

I will miss her greatly!!

Despicable Me!!

Brandon finally took me to a movie that he said he would take me too! It was funny and cute and happy! I loved it, and I think everyone should go see it!!! The Minions are fabulous!!

The difference...

between a housewife and a working wife is very small. Really, it is quite simple in seeing the difference. The working wife works two full-time jobs, compared to just working one. There is never a break as once they leave one, they are right at the other.

There is nothing wrong with being a housewife as I hope to one day be able to stay at home when we have children and that be my only focus. However, I do not have that pleasure just yet, and looking at my upcoming Fall semester schedule... YIKES!

4 Months!

Yesterday was 4 months that we've been married, and wow, it feels so much longer to me! LOL! I hope that's a good thing, and not a bad thing. :)

We didn't get to have too much fun due to me being sick (which is still there), but I sucked it up some so we could actually go somewhere for a few hours. We went to Tyler and Longview to find Brandon some new shoes, and to just get out of Nacogdoches. It was nice to spend time together.

I still feel bad that we weren't able to go out of town as we were going to head to Hot Springs, which is something we've both wanted to do. Hopefully we'll be able to do that soon!!

Married life has been great! Yes, there are certainly those hard times, and times I just want to go back to being single because it just seemed easier. However, I couldn't imagine my life without Brandon! I've tried... I've thought about where I would be right now if I hadn't done some of the things that I have done, and well, I don't think it would have brought me the happiness I have now.

My life has gone through a lot of changes, but I know that every one of them is worth it. They help me appreciate what I have even more. Life is exactly how it should be right now!!

I LOVE BRANDON NEAL RUSHTON!!!!!! :)

Really Now

I have been feeling sick since Saturday afternoon/evening. It's not going away, and I have no clue what is going on. I have taken Pepto and Tylenol Extra Strength. The headache is still there, the body aches are still all over, and the stomach just isn't feeling right. Oh yea - I've been dizzy and my body has felt quite hot.

Brandon and I have been planning on taking a two day trip for a few weeks now, even though we still haven't figured out where we want to go. I've given suggestions, and even though he says we can go where I want to go, I know in the back of his mind, he really wants to go where he wants to go. The little butt! LOL! Now, I don't know if we are going to go. UGH!

Good news on the insurance front... the only reason why I had a "pre-existing condition" is because I didn't have insurance for 11 months prior to getting this one with work. They are just saying that if I was diagnosed with something prior to me getting my last insurance, that they wouldn't cover for it. Well, no diagnosis here so I'm all good. Now, the mail better bring me my card! :)

But yea, all is well minus the lack of energy and healthiness! I guess if we end up not being able to go anywhere, we'll have to work on the house or something. :-( I mean, that's not a bad thing, but it would be nice to go somewhere and spend just some us time together.

Insurance

Okay... so after sitting on it for almost three months, I decided to get insurance through Petsense. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do, and where I want to be so it's better to just have something that will cover more than the self-insurance that I had. Although that was pretty good insurance as it covered the doctor visits and my prescription.

Excited about getting my dental/vision insurance card the other day, I figured that it wouldn't be long before I got my medical. While waiting on all of this, I had already canceled my old insurance as I did NOT want to pay for both of them when one was good enough. Yea - I should have kept my old one as I am now sitting on a 4 month waiting period due to a pre-existing condition. This does NOT make me happy at all!

For anyone that knows, Brandon and I do not want to have children just yet. If I can't have my medical insurance, it means no prescription for me. If I have no prescription, oh joy! "Birth control" was not just for controlling birth for me. It was to also control all of the other joys of not being pregnant as they are FAR from joys for me.

You better believe that I will be calling them on Monday morning to try to get this removed, but I can only think about what if they won't change it. I'm sorry... but I really can't afford to be pregnant right now, I enjoy having a controlled period with a little less pain and sorrow, and quite enjoy being sexually active with my husband! UGH!!