This Week

It's been a hard week with just life in general, but also, with the loss of a friend and remembering the death of my Grandfather.

I realized that I was hurt by the loss of Arlene, but more than anything, I hurt for those children. I knew them most, and love them dearly. I'm angry, but I also know that's part of the healing process. I'm angry because she had so much of what I wish I had in my life. I just think of the day that I will be able to hold my little ones (yes, multiple children), and could not imagine anything getting so hard to leave them. Brandon often covers my eyes when there is a child around us or on TV or a movie because he knows it's something I crave so much. My heart longs for the moment that I can be a mother, but at the same time, I am so nervous as Heavenly Father will be entrusting me with one of his choice children.

Life is hard, and there are many days that I struggle, but nothing is truly so bad that we have to end it. In my life, suicide has been a thought of a way out. I wouldn't know how it would happen, but I would just think that it would make things so much easier for EVERYONE. But I think about conversations I have had with people and the feelings they have expressed to me, and I know that it wouldn't make anything easier for anyone. It would really only cause more problems. NOTHING in life is so horrible, and I truly believe that. My life has been filled with many challenges and hardships. I have been told that I hide much of what I'm feeling or thinking very well... sometimes too well. But I know that if I turn to Heavenly Father, I will make it through everything.

11 years ago yesterday, my Grandfather passed away from cancer. I miss him greatly, and often think about how I wish he could see me doing the different things that I am and have. He passed away on what is known as Pioneer Day in the LDS Church. I remember that day so well. It was my first Pioneer Day as I had only gone to Church once (the Sunday prior). It was a fun day as I spent it at Laura S. Walker State Park - out on the lake. It was my first time on the lake and tubing. I was with the Johnson family, Nicole Dixon - Park, Terrel Hood, and I believe Barry Bennett was there too. We had so much fun. As we were getting ready to end the day, my mom called me She wanted someone else to tell me, but I finally got her to tell me that Grandpa Jones had passed away.

I was surrounded by many new friends that brought me so much comfort. They helped bring me peace during the time I needed it most. So much of me thinks back to that time and feels that Heavenly Father took him when he did because his final mission was finally accomplished. The Sunday before, I went to Church and realized it was something I had been looking for all my life. I realized that families could be forever, and death wasn't the end. But also, I have realized that life can end at any moment, and we need to cherish every moment.

I need to be a better wife, a better friend, a better disciple of Christ. I need to do all I can to make sure that when I look back on my life after I die, and that when others reflect back on me, that they will see someone who did all they could. That my life will be one that was appreciated, but one that will be missed. That I will make a difference. But with all of that, I don't need the recognition and honor. Just having the knowledge that I did all I could, and the small signs of appreciation is all that is needed.

My life is complete in so many ways! I have a sweet husband that loves me more than anything, my family has always supported me, and I have great in-laws that accepted me into their fold. I have a job, I have education, and I have the opportunity to serve many people. I have clothes on my back, a roof over my head, and food in my stomach. I have dear friends that will listen when I need an ear, and will accept me for who I am. I have best friends who know me, and worry about me when I don't want anyone to worry or care. I am able to receive the sweetest of hugs from little children, and to know that one day, I will be able to have my own children who will provide those precious moments to me. I have Christ in my life, and although I have not been a faithful servant to Him, He loves me. My life is nothing but amazing!

I have a goal to be more positive, and to recognize the happy moments more. There will always be trials and hard days, but why stress on them. They are not what matter, but make me better! So to those who actually read this, thank you for your friendship and example! Thank you for helping my life be just that much more amazing because you are in it!