The New Year... So Far

It is already the 9th day of the new year, and wow, it's been a busy year. My year has already started with trials and learning moments. I'm hoping for a good year; at least a year that was better than 2008!

Here is a break down of things I've already done this year... some days even with pictures. :-)

1) Spent the day in the Woodlands with my friend, Brittany! We went out to eat at Cafe Adobe, and just spent time talking. We haven't seen each other since August 2004... just a few days before I moved to Utah. Our friendship is proof that you don't have to talk to someone all the time or even see each other to have a strong, lasting friendship! We are still just as close as we were when we went to AC.

2) I spent the morning at work (Petsense), and then I spent the evening with the Newman's. They have become my adopted family, and some very dear friends! I think this night I realized more than anything that I need to just be patient and focus on school.

3) I didn't get to bed till like 5:30am, so I spent the morning sleeping. Then the evening was spent at work.

4) CHURCH! It was a good day with a great lesson in Relief Society! The lesson was on temples, and it was good. Hard for me as I seem to have a love/hate relationship when it comes to conversations on eternal families. Just hard because of what I want with my own personal family, but at the same time, it's what brought me into the Church. FHE was pretty good that night too with the YSA.

5) I cleaned up around my apartment, and tried to get more things up and organized. Here are a couple pictures of just my front entrance area. (More pictures to come once I feel it's okay to show) THEN I spent a few hours with my parents as we watched the UT/Ohio State game!! HOOK 'EM HORNS!! :-)

6) I worked, and then continued to take care of things around my apartment.

7) I was visit taught for the month, and got my package from Deseret Books! I was really excited to get my package! I got a few new books, a cd, and the movie "Errand of Angels". It's a really good movie, and after watching it and talking with my friend, Jen, who got home from her mission in November... I'm still thinking about maybe serving. Just not sure if it's what I should do or not?!?! I then worked for the whole evening.

8) I spent the day with my mother! It was a good day. We hung out some at the house, and then did some shopping/errands. I got a few things from Hobby Lobby, and then the best thing ever, wall flowers from Bath & Body Works... only $5 each!! They are a regular price of $12.50! Oh - I was so very excited!! My mom then gave me some food, and off I went to come home, check on my dog, and then babysit the Curnutt's! I love those kids!

9) Today... I worked!! I worked 10 hours straight -- Petsense and Nutro. Yea, I'm tired! But now, I am about to finish this blog and try to prepare my talk for Sunday. So many different thoughts are going through my mind, and I just hope and pray that it'll come together!

One last picture... it is of Lexie, my baby. It's hard to believe that she's two years old!!

In Response

So I've thought about your comments a lot over the past couple of weeks along with my own thoughts, and I felt I should write what I've come up with and then to respond to each of you individually. This would have been done sooner, but I JUST got my internet back up and running today after my very long moving period.

My Thoughts
Obviously I still want to date, and that is probably always going to be there when I'm not dating, but I know from my own personal experience that I can't date non-members. I'm the type of person that puts my all into the person I'm dating, and by doing so, I fall for that person which could possibly lead me away from the things that really are important to me. However, there is nothing wrong with hanging out with non-members, even in a one-on-one setting.

I have also gotten the strong impression... again... that I need to just be patient and wait. I know what I'm waiting on, and I think I'm starting to learn more of what I need to do before that can happen. It's going to take time, and it's going to be hard. BUT - that's where I have to let others in, and allow them to help me where I need help. It's true; I'm stubborn, and it's hard for me sometimes to just let others help.

Caryn
I've thought a lot about that lesson as it's something that I've really wanted to change more in my life. My faith is what has gotten me through all these years, and especially the last two years that I've been in Texas. If it wasn't for my faith, I would have fallen and probably a lot worse off than what I am during the down parts of my days. As for my patriarchal blessing, it is read often along with the blessings I've been given through the years. They give me hope - more often than not, but certainly can leave me with questions. I'm the type of person that wants to be the best I can at everything I do. OCD and perfectionist are two things that can cause a lot of pain, but yet, can be very good. But don't worry, I'm going to keep trying! I know if I don't, you'll have my butt. :-)

Heidi
Service is certainly not something I have a problem doing as I am always out there helping other people. That's something I love to do, and will always put first. The biggest thing I need to do out of what you said is "stop thinking about it."

Emily
I love you too, and I have no doubt that I will laugh about some of these posts in the future. Actually, I already laugh at the things that bother me from day to day. I tend to wonder why I even cared so much about something - after the fact of course. Kristen Oaks is an amazing woman, and she did wait for many years till the opportunity was right for her to have her greatest desire. Her and Sheri Dew are two women I look up to with much awe and amazement.

Marsha
I can teach and help everyone around me, but when it comes to me, I have the hardest time. And it's sad because I do truly believe and want everything I say to others. The wait for marriage is actually the easy part... it's the wanting to date, but not having that opportunity, that's hard. And I hope that I will have the opportunity to plant many seeds and be that person to help someone find something so much greater through the gospel of Jesus Christ through my example. It is my greatest gift to give to anyone as it was the greatest gift that I received in this life!

Autumn
Thank you! It is hard, but I have often thought about how hard it would be to raise children in a home without those common teaches and beliefs. I, too, am glad that Tyson accepted the gospel and you are able to have your forever family!! The time I was in Lufkin, I saw the change in your family and the light just grow!

Mary
How right you are when you say that my life is happening right now?!? Often times I step back and wonder how I've even made it through the week or even just through some days. Life is happening, and it is happening fast! And I could never settle for anything less than a temple marriage! I really couldn't! To think about spending my life with someone, for it to end at death makes me wonder why people even bother. If I love someone enough to spend this life with them, I want it to be forever!!

Kayla
Thank you for your support! It is hard watching those around you get married as you just chill there by yourself. It gets hard at times to think of all my friends getting married and having babies. At times I wonder what I'm doing wrong, but you are right, this just may be my "jail time" and I'm being refined. The Lord knows who I need to be and where I need to be in my life so that I will be as ready as I can be to not only have that amazing temple marriage to my amazing eternal companion, but to be ready to raise His sons and daughters to do all that they need to do.

THANK YOU!! I say that to everyone one of you as I have watched you all, even if you never knew I was watching. You each have qualities and characteristics that I admire and want to apply in my life. Because of each one of you, I really do want to be a better person! So thank you for being that example to me, and for being a friend to me... even when I'm being dumb.

I want to close this blog with a quote from the December Visiting Teaching message. One of my Visiting Teachers gave me this part of the quote that I now keep in my scriptures to remember, and I think it's just fitting.

"... With the hope of the Atonement and the Resurrection, you have a third great hope, the hope of eternal life... Because you have a Savior, you also believe in a happy, eternal life of creating, serving, and learning. You are already in the strait and narrow path, and there is hope smiling brightly before you... You just need to stay in, pressing forward with a brightness of hope."
- Julie B. Beck, Relief Society General President

I'm Stuck

Okay, so I could really use some input. It doesn't have to be on here, but some kind of input would be great. I know that most of those who read my blogs are Latter-day Saints which is my basis for this.

So, I'm a Latter-day Saint Young Single Adult (LDS YSA); I'm even qualified as a Mid-Single now since I'm 25 (26 in 3 months). Living in Nacogdoches, this is really hard in the dating part of life. I want to date; I want to get to know others. Yet, I've pretty much gone on a date with every single guy here who's LDS. Now I'm to the point that I'm looking at those who not have the same faith as I (even though that doesn't always mean much) and it scares me.

What scares me, you ask? The fact that I'll fall in love with someone one day who doesn't have the same faith as myself, and I maybe never have the temple marriage I want. Yes, that is looking into the future a lot, but at the same time, you date who you marry. So do I risk having those future things happening to at least date and have those experiences, or do I not date and just sit at home? I've never dated a lot, and so it's not really something I know. Do I "flirt to convert" or just hope a strong member comes along that will treat me how I should be treated?

Why does it seem that the guys that treat me the best are non-members? No, they may not have all the same standards as I do being LDS, but I can promise you that they care more about me and what's happening in my life than most members that I've dated. I can be myself more with them, and maybe that seems like I'm not holding all the standards I should, but I do.

What are your thoughts? As I am right now, I'm almost to the point that I'm just going to be career focused completely, and if I'm still single by 35, giving up on having kids and having it all removed. I mean, I'm sure I'll change my mind on down the road or whatever, but right now, it almost feels impossible to ever find a member who I could date and maybe have a future with. The ones that I like (but no one ever knows) either move away or I leave before we ever have a chance to date, even though we both know that there is interest.

I know some of what I want, but I also know that I want to share this life with someone.

ABC's of Life

A--attached or single: I am quite single at the moment if you are looking at relationship/dating part of my life; however, I am attached to my family and my dog.
B--Best Friends: I really don't have a best friend.
C--cake or pie: I love pies, but I also love Red Velvet Cake or Cheesecake! Yum!
D--day of choice: Sunday
E--Essential item: CTR Ring
F--favorite color: White
G--Gummi Bears or Worms: Sour Gummi Worms
H--Hometown: Born in Lufkin, TX, lived in Diboll, TX for 8 years, lived in Waycross, GA for 9 years, lived in Lufkin, TX for 4 years, Salt Lake City, UT for 2 1/2 years, Lufkin,TX again for a year, and now, Nacogdoches, TX for almost a year.
I--Indulgence: Fanta Strawberry or Annie's Mac & Cheese
J--January or July: Both are good months
K--Kids: One day
L--life is incomplete without: a purpose and goal
M--Marriage Date: hasn't happened yet
N--Number of Siblings: one younger brother
O--Oranges or Apples: I just love fruit period!
P--Phobias or Fears: I fear never being good enough.
Q--Quote: “Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”-Samuel Johnson
R--Reason to smile: I'm alive with clothes on my back, food in my stomach (even if it's not the best), a roof over my head, and a way to better myself through education, work, and especially the gospel of Jesus Christ.
S--Season: I love the Fall with the colors changing, but the Spring is probably my favorite.
T--Tag--you're it :-)
U--unknown fact about ME: I don't like to cry or ever really show personal feelings around a group of people.
V--Vegetarian or Meat eater: More so vegetarian as I don't eat much meat, and when I do, it's mainly chicken.
W--Worst Habit: Never saying no.
X--xrays or ultrasounds--I prefer x-rays over ultrasounds as I don't really like people pressing on my bladder after you just made me drink a ton of water. Just isn't nice. :-) But I've had both for so many different things, so anything that helps make me better - I'm all for it.
Y--Your favorite food: I love Mexican/Tex-Mex, Sushi, and pretty much anything with chicken. My favorite meal is what we always had growing up, especially when we were going to have a babysitter... chicken nuggets, mac & cheese, and corn.
Z--Zodiac: Aries... yes, I'm stubborn like a ram.

Are You Ever Going to Love Me by Chris Cagle

Tell me what else can I do
Tell me what else can I say
The closer that I get to you
The further you push me away

Til I don't know where to go
And I don't know why I stay
Do you even care
Or am I some little game you play

Are you ever gonna need me baby
Like I need you
Are you ever gonna want me baby
The way I want you too
I know that you love me
Oh baby down deep inside I know that you do
But are you ever gonna love me
The way that I love you

I never know how you feel
Cause baby I can't read your mind
Do i just keep waiting, or am i just wasting time
Are you ever gonna need me
Like I need you

Are you ever gonna want me baby
The way I want you to
I know that you love me
Oh baby down deep i know that you do
But are you ever gonna love me baby

Are you ever gonna love me baby
The way I love you

**I really like this song a lot because it seems to fit how I feel. I keep wondering where I really fit with you. You showed that you never wanted to let me go, and that you want me there. You've shown that to me for 5 years. Even some of the things you said were you wanting me there. So if you want me there, why do I feel like I'm just there when it is convient for you. Why do I feel like I really am just a "booty call" when you say that I've never been that to you?

I know you love me, but will it ever be what I deserve and want. Will I ever be important enough to you again for you to show you want me there every day instead of for a few hours every couple of months to years? Maybe it is me, but maybe it's you. I don't know, but until I know, I will always wonder if you'll ever love me the way I love you.

Things That Make Me Happy

This is certainly not in any order, but these pictures are just some things that make me happy.

Fun YSA evenings. The times when you can be goofy, and nothing matters. (2008)

Dances, road trips, and all kinds of fun. This was at a hoe-down in San Antonio in 2007.

Amanda Spillman... so many things make me happy with her!! She's a great friend! (2008)

Emily Field and I became great friends at work, and it just developed. It's fabulous! (2007)

This crew... South City Institute in Utah. You just never knew what would happen when we were together! (July 2008)

Sara Moulton and I didn't get along when we first met each other, and now, we are great friends! I love this girl!! (July 2008)

Beautiful views and just nature (Top of Ensign Peak, July 2008)

Camille and I spent a lot of wonderful days and nights together in Utah. She's a wonderful person who has just always understood me, and accepted me. (July 2008, Jordan River Temple)

Butter Pecan Ice Cream, Leatherby's, and all the memories there. (July 2008)

These beautiful young ladies are amazing! I crashed at their apartment often my first year at Westminster College. (October 2005)

These kids are fabulous! I love their two younger siblings as well. Their parents are like my sister and brother! So many WONDERFUL things there! Val and Sable have grown up so much, and I just love seeing them!! (December 2004)

TEMPLES!!! It's my ALL time favorite place to be, and where I seem to be the happiest! I love the Houston Temple for so many reasons!!

Kaitlin is an amazing friend! She has a wonderful spirit, and I'm glad that we are buddies! (2008)

My baby girl Lexie! She's 2+ years old, and is so much fun along with being a pain. haha

Abby and Jen - man, we did some crazy stuff together, and have a lot of wonderful memories! I miss hanging out with them when the days just seemed to be a little easier. (2004)

Horses! They are beautiful, and so much fun to ride! I actually fell off this horse. (2004)

This was after an Institute graduation for Westminster Institute. These gals are AMAZING!

Lufkin Ward - That's all I have to say!! (2004)

Friends from Georgia. Although I'm not really close to many of them anymore, they do still hold a place in my heart with great memories attached. (2003)

AC Buddies, trip to Memphis, Britt, Jared... all hold a very dear place in my heart! So many memories, dreams, hopes, wishes, and anything else! (2003)

Lexie was only two months old in this picture. I spent the day with my family, and went on a date that night. Wonderful times! (2006)

Some of my cousins and my brother with my Grandpa Dillow (who passed away this year) having a late Christmas together. I enjoy seeing them, even if we aren't very close. (2006)

AC Pom Squad... dancing... cheering - I love it all! These girls were good friends. (2003)

Most of my mom's side of the family minus two of her brother's and their family. (2004)

Giving Up

I know some will read this, and worry. Others will read it, and think then not care. Some may just not care at all. Either way, it really doesn't matter to me. I'm not writing this for everyone else as I never started this blog so much for everyone else. It's my way of getting things out, and if someone cares to read, then that's fine with me.

The past little while I have really been wanting to just give up. On what... EVERYTHING. It's a hassle to get up in the mornings as I never want to get up. I keep hoping for a break, a day off from life, and it just never comes. It is always one thing after the other. I know it is wrong of me to want a break, but right now, my body is just on overload. I'm going through all the motions, yet I don't seem to really enjoy them too much. I wear a mask almost 24/7, and I hate that. I want to be me, but I guess I'm not 100% sure of who "me" is.

Have you ever wanted to just stop something that you know you shouldn't stop or to just see if anyone would really care? Well... part of me is certainly going through those feelings right now, but also, I always thought that I would find happiness being LDS. Yet, I look back over the years, and it seems like I hurt more often than not. Maybe it's because I expect so much out of myself, and I know others do the same. Maybe it's just because I'm having a hard time in a family ward as a YSA. I'm really not sure what all is happening, but I don't like it. Sundays are some of the hardest days for me, and yet, they used to be my favorite days of the weeks. It is always filled and never a day of rest. So many times I just don't want to show up, but how can you do that when you are teaching every Sunday, usually conducting the music, leading YSA FHE, and doing anything else you are asked to do. I can't ever not go. Yet, I really don't have anyone I can turn to that I feel safe with... that one person who I know would just hold me and let me cry if needed. I want to feel how I felt on November 7th again!!! I was happy, truly happy! I felt safe!

But for now, I just feel like giving up, but how can you give up when you also can't handle letting others down. My life is so busy that I would let too many people down if I just gave up. BUT - how do I take care of me? What can I do for me to make things happier? Until I figure out, I guess I will just keep wearing that mask.