Wants, But Unworthy

I feel so unworthy for the things I want so much... to date, to be important to the people around me, to set an example that others want to follow, and to be a true disciple of Christ.

Dating... No, there aren't a lot of options here in Nacogdoches, TX or really around me, but there are a few. However, I don't feel that I'm pretty enough, or strong enough in the gospel. I feel that I always say the wrong things at the wrong time, or just don't say anything. I try to not care about it so much, but that's hard when you know the importance of dating and finding at eternal companion. When it's the one thing people are always asking you about or trying to push.

Importance... I really don't know if people would recognize if I wasn't around. There might be a few, but overall, I really just don't know if I'm that important to anyone. A lot of the times I just feel that I'm being used because people know that I'll do anything I can to help out. I have a VERY hard time saying no, and honestly, it's so rare that I say no that I don't remember the last time I said it.

Example... Disciple of Christ... These go together as the Savior was the greatest example, and to be a disciple of Christ is to follow His example and make it a part of your life. I'm not perfect, and I know that I won't be perfect here on Earth. However, there are so many more things that I could and should do in my life. I want to be that light people are wanting to have in their life. I want to be someone that is able to put aside my own cares and concerns for others. I can think of all the things that I don't do, and can barely think of anything I do right.

Maybe I'm just being really hard on myself, but it's how I feel right now. OH... Jared called me for the first time in 6 months!!

Past Weekend

I had so much fun this weekend. It was long and very busy, but so much fun!

Friday was spent at work. I have two jobs now, and I was working both of them on Friday. Makes for a really long day, but at the same time, I'm okay with that because it's good money and won't always be that way.

Saturday, I spent the morning getting things together, shopping in Lufkin, and then headed up to Longview. Went to bowl with some friends for a Tri-Stake Activity and ultimate frisbee. That is such a fun game, but can certainly wear you out! I love it!!

Sunday was a really nice day. Spent it doing what I enjoy... Church! Went to my meetings, and that was fun. I got to actually go to Sunday School and Relief Society. It was really needed! Then FHE... oh my gosh, we had so much fun! I love being with friends, and laughing!

It was just a REALLy good weekend!

OH... found out that the guy I have a crush on now knows. A friend of ours ended up telling him that I like him. Not too sure how this is going to turn out, but I guess we'll just see. Hoping for the best, but at the same time, I need to just learn to CHILL OUT and not think so much! Yea... I think WAY too much. :-)

Guys Confuse Me

So... I've never really understood guys, but they are confusing me even more right now. Why is it that a guy tells you that he likes you, that you're cute, or that they had a crush on you AFTER you move away? Why not tell you when you are around and could maybe make something happen?

The night before I left to head back to Texas after my visit to Utah, I had a guy tell me that he liked me. This is a guy who I did like when I was in Utah; yet, we were always just friends and I was a support system for him. Last night, I had this other guy who I thought was cute, tell me that he used to go by a co-workers desk because she worked by me and he had a crush on me.

Seriously, I'm confused by this. And I don't even want to go into having a guy act so sad to see me leave and want me around so much; yet, is crazy about someone else.

I'm the type of person that just likes for people to say how it is. Yea, I have a crush on this guy right now and no he doesn't know. Right now, I'm not in the mood to make a fool of myself, but maybe that's why I'm just now learning about things from a year and a half ago. Maybe they were afraid of making a fool of themselves too. *sigh* But yea... really liking this guy and not even thinking about Jared. It's amazing!! :-)

One day... that's all I really have to say.

Utah...

... what a great place!!

I got back from Utah almost a week ago, and it's been a really long, yet short, week. It was so nice to be able to go back and spend time with some very dear friends. I was able to go on some dates that were causal things. No, I didn't see everyone that I wanted to see, but I guess that just means that I need to go back. :-)

It was nice to have a break, and to enjoy the outdoors. I spent a day at Bear Lake, and that was amazing!! I spent a good hour at the top of Ensign Peak, and it was just beautiful. The wind was blowing, and it was just peaceful. I was happy... 100% happy. My mind has been going non-stop since I got to Utah, and today, I think it finally started to slow down... maybe a little bit.

I didn't want to leave; I wanted to make Utah my home again. I've been thinking that maybe in 6 months when my lease is up that I would move back and do school out there. I mean - there are many options, and I know it wouldn't be that hard for me to find a place to live and a job to work. However, I got my answer today... maybe not what I want, but what I know is best. Utah isn't for me right now.... Nacogdoches is. I have no clue why! None at all.

Many things could be playing a part in it, but whatever it is, I know that I'm supposed to be here for it. Now... I'm just going to be patient and do what I know is right. It won't be easy -- not even close. But it's the Lord's will, and that's the most important thing.

Utah... I'll get back there one day; I know that very much so. Just today isn't the day.