Realizations

So I realized some things today that were pretty interesting to me...

1) I am NOT ready to have children.  Squeaker has been so much fun to have, and I love her (at least we believe it's a her) so much.  However, I am so not ready.  I want MY time.  Call me selfish if you want, but there are still too many things that I want to do or need to do that would be just too hard with a child.  I know I'm 27 years old, and I know that my clock is ticking, but if you aren't ready, you aren't ready.  Honestly, I don't know if I'll be ready in the next year even to have a child, or even just start trying.  I love children, and it will be a wonderful blessing.  I have no doubt, but there are things that need to be done first.

2) I probably can't, or if nothing else, shouldn't, keep Squeaker.  My allergies have been acting up so much here in the last day, and I know they are because of her.  I get very red and swelled around the areas that she scratches me (not on purpose as she's can't retract her claws yet), and I sneeze a good bit.  It is going to be a hard decision, but if I can find a good home, she would probably be better... or maybe, just I would be better.  Again, I guess you can call me selfish.

3) I used to have dreams, but I don't know what they are anymore.  My dad once told me that I was still young, and that I needed to chase my dreams.  Well... I need to figure those out again.  I have started to settle because I need benefits and a full-time job.  There are bills to be paid, a house to be remodeled, clothes to be washed, etc., etc.  What are my dreams?  What do I want with my life?  I'm not really sure right now.

4) I do not like being a woman!  It's true!  No, I'm not going to change as that's just wrong!  Plus, there are some things that I enjoy about being a woman; however, more days than not, I don't like it.  I have horrible self-esteem, and especially about my appearance.  Yea, most of you will think or say to yourself, "I wish I looked like you" or "there's nothing wrong with you."  But it's how I feel and how I am.  It's been that way for MANY years, and just doesn't seem to change.  I don't know really if it will ever change.  And maybe that's part of why I'm not ready for kids... have someone with an anorexic mind gain weight because they are pregnant... they really just see that they are gaining weight.  Also, this whole monthly visit is not nice!  It's been bad for me for years!  Actually, since the start, I have had issues.  However, birth control doesn't seem to always help me!  I had orthotricyclen for five years, and gained 10-15 pounds.  Yea, that's not good for a freshman in high school who's a Varsity Cheerleader!  Now I am on low ogesterol, and I hate it!  I have most of the symptoms, and it's not really helping.  I missed two days of taking my pill because of several other things happening, and I started.  Really now... this is a week after I just got off!!  Sorry - you may not have wanted to know it, but I hate it!!  This makes me not want to be a woman even more!

5) And from all that... it leads into a constant thought that I'm not good enough.  How so you ask?  In so many ways... that I'm not a good wife or a good dog owner.  I'm not a good housekeeper or a good employer.  I always feel like I just don't measure up to what people expect of me.  I feel as if I could do so much more and so much better for Brandon, but yet, it just doesn't seem to happen.  I want to feel special and wanted.  I want to know that I'm worth something.  Maybe it's just my extremely messed up hormones and some OCD/perfectionism, but I just don't seem to measure up, or feel as if I do.

6) School is about to start up in a few weeks, and there are so many things that I will need to do.  I hope that I will be able to succeed, and show that going back was the best thing for me.  I hope that this hasn't been a waste of money, and that I will be able to find my dreams and passions again!