Tomorrow is the day that classes start back up! It's been a great break this summer, but time to get back to the books. I am excited and nervous at the same time. It's going to be a busy semester, but I know that it will be a good one. It will be a semester that will define many great things... at least that's how I feel. I could be wrong.
Today I received a blessing, and it certainly provided great comfort and peace.
My greatest concern is that I become so busy with school and other responsibilities that my time with Brandon becomes even shorter. I hope, oh I hope, that will not be the case, and if it is, that we are able to make it through and come out stronger as a couple! I love him so much, and want nothing but forever with him!!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Redo
Have you ever thought about things you've done, and wished you could go back and do things differently? I have, and not about a whole lot.
Here lately I've thought a lot about my wedding and the events leading up to that day and especially that day... there are things I wish I would have done differently. Some things, I can just pin point it and tell you exactly how I would redo it. Other things, I'm still not sure how I would have done it differently, but often think I should have.
Sometimes I wish I could have redone my decision to leave Utah... and just stayed. Not because the experiences and moments haven't been great that have happened since I moved back February 2007, but because I can just imagine how different my life would be right now. Plus, I miss Utah! I miss the peace I could find, and the things to do. I miss the mountains and very low humidity. I miss feeling like I knew what I was doing with my life. I had a great job where I worked M-F. I had great friends that I did something with almost every day. I had my key spots that I would go to think and just be alone.
I think about certain friendships, and wish things could have been done differently. I would redo the last conversation I had with Jared, and yes, most would probably think I'm crazy for thinking that. If you know anything about that last conversation which was straight text messaging, you would say it was for the best in every way possible. But I can't help but think it shouldn't have been that way. I lost a dear friend of mine, and I know there were reasons for it and I have my opinions of why it went the way it did. But I miss my friend. I miss friendships I had when I lived in Waycross, GA. So many of them were key people in my life for different reasons, and now, it's like those years never happened at all.
But I guess the joy of life is that you never get the chance to redo anything. You only get the chance to make the best of where you are, and direct the future. It's not because I'm not happy with where I am right now, but there are just some things in my life that I just wonder if it could have been better. I am a perfectionist, and will always look back at things and see where I could have done better or where things maybe could have changed. I should have responded better to Jared, I should have stuck with my original thoughts about the wedding (especially my dress and hair), I should have tried to keep in touch better with old friends in GA, and I shouldn't have had a boy control my dreams. However, if things with Jared didn't happen the way they did, I might have called off my wedding. Having a shorter dress and hair worn differently really wouldn't have changed anything except that I wouldn't have had to hold my dress the whole time. Not staying in touch very well just showed me how much I was really cared about in the end, and how that really was just a season. If I stayed in Utah, I wouldn't have met some of my very best friends, found a program that I love, gotten involved with several different amazing organizations, been around when my grandparents passed away, and most of all, I wouldn't have seen Brandon again. It took just over two years for us to see each other again, but I wouldn't have the life I have with him if I had stayed in Utah.
I guess some things are just better left the way they are.
Here lately I've thought a lot about my wedding and the events leading up to that day and especially that day... there are things I wish I would have done differently. Some things, I can just pin point it and tell you exactly how I would redo it. Other things, I'm still not sure how I would have done it differently, but often think I should have.
Sometimes I wish I could have redone my decision to leave Utah... and just stayed. Not because the experiences and moments haven't been great that have happened since I moved back February 2007, but because I can just imagine how different my life would be right now. Plus, I miss Utah! I miss the peace I could find, and the things to do. I miss the mountains and very low humidity. I miss feeling like I knew what I was doing with my life. I had a great job where I worked M-F. I had great friends that I did something with almost every day. I had my key spots that I would go to think and just be alone.
I think about certain friendships, and wish things could have been done differently. I would redo the last conversation I had with Jared, and yes, most would probably think I'm crazy for thinking that. If you know anything about that last conversation which was straight text messaging, you would say it was for the best in every way possible. But I can't help but think it shouldn't have been that way. I lost a dear friend of mine, and I know there were reasons for it and I have my opinions of why it went the way it did. But I miss my friend. I miss friendships I had when I lived in Waycross, GA. So many of them were key people in my life for different reasons, and now, it's like those years never happened at all.
But I guess the joy of life is that you never get the chance to redo anything. You only get the chance to make the best of where you are, and direct the future. It's not because I'm not happy with where I am right now, but there are just some things in my life that I just wonder if it could have been better. I am a perfectionist, and will always look back at things and see where I could have done better or where things maybe could have changed. I should have responded better to Jared, I should have stuck with my original thoughts about the wedding (especially my dress and hair), I should have tried to keep in touch better with old friends in GA, and I shouldn't have had a boy control my dreams. However, if things with Jared didn't happen the way they did, I might have called off my wedding. Having a shorter dress and hair worn differently really wouldn't have changed anything except that I wouldn't have had to hold my dress the whole time. Not staying in touch very well just showed me how much I was really cared about in the end, and how that really was just a season. If I stayed in Utah, I wouldn't have met some of my very best friends, found a program that I love, gotten involved with several different amazing organizations, been around when my grandparents passed away, and most of all, I wouldn't have seen Brandon again. It took just over two years for us to see each other again, but I wouldn't have the life I have with him if I had stayed in Utah.
I guess some things are just better left the way they are.
Motivation
Motivation would be nice to have. Each day I think of all these many things that I need to do or could be doing, but when it comes down to it, I just don't seem to have the motivation. I don't know what has happened because I used to have so much of it. I used to feel together and capable of so many things. Now, I just seem to wonder.
There are so many things that I want to do; so many things that I want to be better at; so many things that I wish I could change. Sometimes I wonder if I'm heading in the right direction, or if life is going to just completely change on me once I think I have it figured out. It has certainly done that to me a time or two in just a short 27 years.
How can I feel rejuvenated? How can I feel as if I'm ready to rule the world? I seem to have forgotten how to do that. Maybe it's because my house is a wreck still. Maybe it's because I don't dance anymore. Maybe it's because I'm not going in the direction that I'm supposed to go. I really don't know right now. I'm trying to figure out if I want to keep fighting or if I should just let it be. Keep fighting what? Oh - so many things.
Guess it'll all come together at some point... or I'll just fall, and fall a little too hard. *sigh*
There are so many things that I want to do; so many things that I want to be better at; so many things that I wish I could change. Sometimes I wonder if I'm heading in the right direction, or if life is going to just completely change on me once I think I have it figured out. It has certainly done that to me a time or two in just a short 27 years.
How can I feel rejuvenated? How can I feel as if I'm ready to rule the world? I seem to have forgotten how to do that. Maybe it's because my house is a wreck still. Maybe it's because I don't dance anymore. Maybe it's because I'm not going in the direction that I'm supposed to go. I really don't know right now. I'm trying to figure out if I want to keep fighting or if I should just let it be. Keep fighting what? Oh - so many things.
Guess it'll all come together at some point... or I'll just fall, and fall a little too hard. *sigh*
Friday, August 13, 2010
Fall Semester
School will start soon, and it's going to be a crazy semester. I am excited, but kind of nervous about it too. There is going to be so much happening, and I just hope and pray that I can make it through. Here is a glance at just what all is happening, and of course, there will be more because I am in school...
My Fall Semester
My Fall Semester
- 2 Undergraduate Courses: Internship and Infant
- 2 Graduate Courses: Early Education and Human Sciences
- Working 40 hours at Petsense
- 125 hours of Internship at Angelina Alliance (possibly more hours as it'll be about 12-16/week)
- President of Jacks Council on Family Relations
- President of Phi Upsilon Omicron, Beta Upsilon Chapter
- Student Affiliate Representative for the Affiliate Council Board of NCFR
- Region 3 Representative for Phi Upsilon Omicron
- Several committees for Phi Upsilon Omicron
- NCFR Conference in November in Minnesota
- Phi U Conclave in September in Savannah, GA
- Working out/taking classes at the gym on campus... I have GOTTA get back into a nice shape!
- Taking care of Lexie
- Being a good wife
- Being a good house keeper
- Working on the house to get it finished up
- Being a friend
- Attending Church
Monday, August 9, 2010
Funny Times
Just a thought I've had the past couple of days that I find kind of funny.
My husband hangs out with his best friend and some other guys from work ALL the time! Almost every day he's wanting to hang out with his best friend, and no, that's not me.
Well, I never hang out with anyone really. It's rare that I get together with any friends, and when I do, I'm home by 11:30pm which is totally opposite of Brandon.
My funny thought is this... I am excited to hang out with my mom tomorrow! No, it won't be for very long, but that's who I want to be with. Yes, I want to see my best friends (my three lovely ladies - Emily, Katie, and Kaitlin), but overall, I would rather be with my mom. It's not often that we get to hang out because of schedules, but I love spending time with her! She is the one I call when I need to cry or vent. She is the one I ask questions about different things. My mom is my everything, and I wish I would have seen that sooner!!!
My husband hangs out with his best friend and some other guys from work ALL the time! Almost every day he's wanting to hang out with his best friend, and no, that's not me.
Well, I never hang out with anyone really. It's rare that I get together with any friends, and when I do, I'm home by 11:30pm which is totally opposite of Brandon.
My funny thought is this... I am excited to hang out with my mom tomorrow! No, it won't be for very long, but that's who I want to be with. Yes, I want to see my best friends (my three lovely ladies - Emily, Katie, and Kaitlin), but overall, I would rather be with my mom. It's not often that we get to hang out because of schedules, but I love spending time with her! She is the one I call when I need to cry or vent. She is the one I ask questions about different things. My mom is my everything, and I wish I would have seen that sooner!!!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
"I Will Rest In You" by Mindy Gledhill
I love this song! The first time I heard it was at a YSA Family Home Evening at the Huntsman's home. They are such an amazing family, and I miss them tons. But Jared Huntsman shared this song with his lesson, and it is one that has touched me greatly. With so many different things going on in my life right now, this song is a plea and a prayer. I want to be back where I used to be. I want to have the strength I used to have and the peace I used to find. I know He is the only way to have any of that!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Realizations
So I realized some things today that were pretty interesting to me...
1) I am NOT ready to have children. Squeaker has been so much fun to have, and I love her (at least we believe it's a her) so much. However, I am so not ready. I want MY time. Call me selfish if you want, but there are still too many things that I want to do or need to do that would be just too hard with a child. I know I'm 27 years old, and I know that my clock is ticking, but if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. Honestly, I don't know if I'll be ready in the next year even to have a child, or even just start trying. I love children, and it will be a wonderful blessing. I have no doubt, but there are things that need to be done first.
2) I probably can't, or if nothing else, shouldn't, keep Squeaker. My allergies have been acting up so much here in the last day, and I know they are because of her. I get very red and swelled around the areas that she scratches me (not on purpose as she's can't retract her claws yet), and I sneeze a good bit. It is going to be a hard decision, but if I can find a good home, she would probably be better... or maybe, just I would be better. Again, I guess you can call me selfish.
3) I used to have dreams, but I don't know what they are anymore. My dad once told me that I was still young, and that I needed to chase my dreams. Well... I need to figure those out again. I have started to settle because I need benefits and a full-time job. There are bills to be paid, a house to be remodeled, clothes to be washed, etc., etc. What are my dreams? What do I want with my life? I'm not really sure right now.
4) I do not like being a woman! It's true! No, I'm not going to change as that's just wrong! Plus, there are some things that I enjoy about being a woman; however, more days than not, I don't like it. I have horrible self-esteem, and especially about my appearance. Yea, most of you will think or say to yourself, "I wish I looked like you" or "there's nothing wrong with you." But it's how I feel and how I am. It's been that way for MANY years, and just doesn't seem to change. I don't know really if it will ever change. And maybe that's part of why I'm not ready for kids... have someone with an anorexic mind gain weight because they are pregnant... they really just see that they are gaining weight. Also, this whole monthly visit is not nice! It's been bad for me for years! Actually, since the start, I have had issues. However, birth control doesn't seem to always help me! I had orthotricyclen for five years, and gained 10-15 pounds. Yea, that's not good for a freshman in high school who's a Varsity Cheerleader! Now I am on low ogesterol, and I hate it! I have most of the symptoms, and it's not really helping. I missed two days of taking my pill because of several other things happening, and I started. Really now... this is a week after I just got off!! Sorry - you may not have wanted to know it, but I hate it!! This makes me not want to be a woman even more!
5) And from all that... it leads into a constant thought that I'm not good enough. How so you ask? In so many ways... that I'm not a good wife or a good dog owner. I'm not a good housekeeper or a good employer. I always feel like I just don't measure up to what people expect of me. I feel as if I could do so much more and so much better for Brandon, but yet, it just doesn't seem to happen. I want to feel special and wanted. I want to know that I'm worth something. Maybe it's just my extremely messed up hormones and some OCD/perfectionism, but I just don't seem to measure up, or feel as if I do.
6) School is about to start up in a few weeks, and there are so many things that I will need to do. I hope that I will be able to succeed, and show that going back was the best thing for me. I hope that this hasn't been a waste of money, and that I will be able to find my dreams and passions again!
1) I am NOT ready to have children. Squeaker has been so much fun to have, and I love her (at least we believe it's a her) so much. However, I am so not ready. I want MY time. Call me selfish if you want, but there are still too many things that I want to do or need to do that would be just too hard with a child. I know I'm 27 years old, and I know that my clock is ticking, but if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. Honestly, I don't know if I'll be ready in the next year even to have a child, or even just start trying. I love children, and it will be a wonderful blessing. I have no doubt, but there are things that need to be done first.
2) I probably can't, or if nothing else, shouldn't, keep Squeaker. My allergies have been acting up so much here in the last day, and I know they are because of her. I get very red and swelled around the areas that she scratches me (not on purpose as she's can't retract her claws yet), and I sneeze a good bit. It is going to be a hard decision, but if I can find a good home, she would probably be better... or maybe, just I would be better. Again, I guess you can call me selfish.
3) I used to have dreams, but I don't know what they are anymore. My dad once told me that I was still young, and that I needed to chase my dreams. Well... I need to figure those out again. I have started to settle because I need benefits and a full-time job. There are bills to be paid, a house to be remodeled, clothes to be washed, etc., etc. What are my dreams? What do I want with my life? I'm not really sure right now.
4) I do not like being a woman! It's true! No, I'm not going to change as that's just wrong! Plus, there are some things that I enjoy about being a woman; however, more days than not, I don't like it. I have horrible self-esteem, and especially about my appearance. Yea, most of you will think or say to yourself, "I wish I looked like you" or "there's nothing wrong with you." But it's how I feel and how I am. It's been that way for MANY years, and just doesn't seem to change. I don't know really if it will ever change. And maybe that's part of why I'm not ready for kids... have someone with an anorexic mind gain weight because they are pregnant... they really just see that they are gaining weight. Also, this whole monthly visit is not nice! It's been bad for me for years! Actually, since the start, I have had issues. However, birth control doesn't seem to always help me! I had orthotricyclen for five years, and gained 10-15 pounds. Yea, that's not good for a freshman in high school who's a Varsity Cheerleader! Now I am on low ogesterol, and I hate it! I have most of the symptoms, and it's not really helping. I missed two days of taking my pill because of several other things happening, and I started. Really now... this is a week after I just got off!! Sorry - you may not have wanted to know it, but I hate it!! This makes me not want to be a woman even more!
5) And from all that... it leads into a constant thought that I'm not good enough. How so you ask? In so many ways... that I'm not a good wife or a good dog owner. I'm not a good housekeeper or a good employer. I always feel like I just don't measure up to what people expect of me. I feel as if I could do so much more and so much better for Brandon, but yet, it just doesn't seem to happen. I want to feel special and wanted. I want to know that I'm worth something. Maybe it's just my extremely messed up hormones and some OCD/perfectionism, but I just don't seem to measure up, or feel as if I do.
6) School is about to start up in a few weeks, and there are so many things that I will need to do. I hope that I will be able to succeed, and show that going back was the best thing for me. I hope that this hasn't been a waste of money, and that I will be able to find my dreams and passions again!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Squeaker
About 2 weeks old -- 8/2/10Squeaker is my new baby kitten that I am currently bottle feeding. He/she was left behind, and I just couldn't leave him/her out to die. He/she has opened his/her eyes now completely, and I love it. Also, he/she has latched onto the bottle. The first day was hard as he/she wouldn't latch. I had to mainly just do drops, but now, he/she's loving it.
It's fun to see Brandon with him/her. He is so careful, and just really wants to try to help him/her. But I think more than anything, he loves watching me take care of this precious little baby.
I have been craving to have a baby of our own, and to be able to go through that whole process; however, I know it's not time for us. I really do know that, but it's hard sometimes. This kitten that I call Squeaker is my baby to care for now until we are able to find him/her a permanent home. That will be sad and hard for me, but I know that my allergies won't hold up long term.
Lexie even checks up on the kitten. She will sniff and sniff and sniff. Lexie has even licked Squeaker a couple times, but I'm still not 100% sure on her intentions. :-/
Look for more updates to come! :)
It's fun to see Brandon with him/her. He is so careful, and just really wants to try to help him/her. But I think more than anything, he loves watching me take care of this precious little baby.
I have been craving to have a baby of our own, and to be able to go through that whole process; however, I know it's not time for us. I really do know that, but it's hard sometimes. This kitten that I call Squeaker is my baby to care for now until we are able to find him/her a permanent home. That will be sad and hard for me, but I know that my allergies won't hold up long term.
Lexie even checks up on the kitten. She will sniff and sniff and sniff. Lexie has even licked Squeaker a couple times, but I'm still not 100% sure on her intentions. :-/
Look for more updates to come! :)
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Denton
So yesterday was a great day! I got to go to Denton and see a very good friend of mine! Sadie is amazing in so many ways, and it was so nice to spend time with her. We had been planning this trip for several months, and it finally happened! I am sad though that it was over so quickly.
The day consisted of much needed girl talk, hanging out at the water park, floating on the lazy river, and getting FRIED! But not all over - just in different spots. Oh - it's a crazy look!
We then got ready to meet up with some other friends... Mallory, Michael, and Jess! We ate at Pei Wei and then went bowling at University Lanes. Fun times were had for sure, and it was nice to spend time with friends.
The drive back was horrible as I am turning into an old lady. I get tired when I drive at night, and it wasn't all that fun. I talked to Brandon a few times to stay awake, and although he said he didn't, I think he stayed up waiting for me. :) At least that is what I'm going to tell myself so that I can think he does what I do for him. hehe
All in all, it was an amazing day!! I can't wait until next year!!
The day consisted of much needed girl talk, hanging out at the water park, floating on the lazy river, and getting FRIED! But not all over - just in different spots. Oh - it's a crazy look!
We then got ready to meet up with some other friends... Mallory, Michael, and Jess! We ate at Pei Wei and then went bowling at University Lanes. Fun times were had for sure, and it was nice to spend time with friends.
The drive back was horrible as I am turning into an old lady. I get tired when I drive at night, and it wasn't all that fun. I talked to Brandon a few times to stay awake, and although he said he didn't, I think he stayed up waiting for me. :) At least that is what I'm going to tell myself so that I can think he does what I do for him. hehe
All in all, it was an amazing day!! I can't wait until next year!!
Cats and Kittens
Okay - so before Brandon and I got married, and even before we were officially engaged, we took care of a couple kittens. They were feral, but had become slightly domestic due to us playing with them, and them being around other cats. They were cute, but we couldn't keep them. I'm so terribly allergic to cats that it just doesn't work. I love them, and I have such a hard time. But I tend to forget to wash my hands RIGHT after I touch them, and then I mess with my eyes, and it's just all downhill from there.
Well, yesterday morning I got up and left early for Denton (that's a different post). Brandon got up and was leaving for work when he heard something hiss. It turned out to be a feral momma with four kittens. Once again, we get to deal with cats. I guess they just know who will help them out.
They are currently underneath our A/C unit, but I hope to be able to trap the momma to get her fixed and get homes for the kittens. They are precious, but not something I can keep. :(
Here are two pictures:
Momma sitting under my car
4 babies - 2 black and 2 grey (1 grey is at the top)
Well, yesterday morning I got up and left early for Denton (that's a different post). Brandon got up and was leaving for work when he heard something hiss. It turned out to be a feral momma with four kittens. Once again, we get to deal with cats. I guess they just know who will help them out.
They are currently underneath our A/C unit, but I hope to be able to trap the momma to get her fixed and get homes for the kittens. They are precious, but not something I can keep. :(
Here are two pictures:
Momma sitting under my car
4 babies - 2 black and 2 grey (1 grey is at the top)
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