It's 12:38am, and I am still up. I really don't know why as I worked a busy day today, yesterday, the day before, and the day before, and well, the day before. However, I am still up. The brain keeps going, and I'm just trying to find out where to place it all.
1) I miss dancing so much! Once I get some money, I'm thinking I'm going to check out The Bar Method. It would bring back some ballet in my life, and maybe help me feel a little better about myself. I do not like how my body is right now, and I know, I just have to get out there and do something. But that's hard to do alone - when you aren't really sure what you need to do.
2) Oh the self image. Okay, I know it's something I probably talk about a lot, but it effects me just that much. I don't like my hair, my skin color, or my weight. I've never liked the proportions of my body, but that's a little better. I paid to fix what I couldn't stand. Hey - it works!
3) Work has become my life! I think about it all the time, and I just hope that I can be the best manager possible. I hope that I can help my employees out to grow and gain skills. Don't ever go from a boring desk job to an on your feet all day, every day job. It certainly gets to you, but I'm loving it! I love working for maurices! It's an amazing company, and I hope to be there till I just can't go anymore.
4) So I want my own family - my own children; however, I don't want to give up work. Well, I don't plan on it. I will be that mom who puts her child in daycare at a very early age. I grew up in daycare, and I turned out perfectly fine. My children will have 6-12 weeks of me, and then it's time to get back to work. But then it just makes me wonder... do I even need to have children? I don't want to raise children in this area anyways, and then I won't even be around. For some that's such an easy answer, but for me, I really am not sure. I guess if/when that time comes, I'll figure something out. I mean, I do work for an amazing company that wants you to have family time! And of course, I think about getting pregnant and having the worst issues with gaining weight. UGH!
See... I told you my brain was running.
5) Church! That will probably always be a battle, and everyone will have their opinions about it. To some it's so easy, and to others, it just doesn't make sense. I haven't been for a month for one reason or another, and won't be there for another two weeks. Honestly, I don't miss it. I guess I probably should, but I never really enjoyed going so why would I miss it. Right now, I couldn't tell you where I wanted to be or what I wanted in this area. I thought I knew, but I must not have. It really shouldn't be this hard, and it shouldn't split people, families apart! And besides, I can promise you that the best people I know are not LDS. Not that I don't know some great people who are, but really, the best people I know are not LDS or at least not active.
Just a lot to think about, and I'm sure there's so much more. Like why I had a dream that I was running away from some creeps trying to I guess kill me with someone else and my dog Lexie. Yea, that was weird!
